murderedmymuse

Sweet Valley Twins #21 Left Behind (in two easy chapters)

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 13:02:40 GMT

Ever notice how the Sweet Valley character's woes could have been averted by using common sense? Sure, the book'd only be two chapters long, but I wouldn't be banging my head against a brick wall after reading it. Take Sarah in #21 Left Behind for instance--if only she'd spoken up, then I could have avoided reading the whole sorry book. So I decided to rewrite the book as though the characters had a lick of sense in their pretty little heads. Enjoy.

SVT #21 Left Behind

CHAPTER ONE
Jessica and Elizabeth are twins who are so alike down to the dimple in their left butt cheeks yadda yadda yadda. Liz and Amy leave school for the day with Sarah, who is sad.

Sarah: I'm so sad. My almost step mum is mean and my dad doesn't care.

Liz: If I had a spine I'd tell you to stick up for yourself and talk to your dad. But sadly, I'm the sensible and boring twin.

Amy: Well, I do have a spine. Sarah, tell your dad what's happening.

Sarah: Okay.

Amy: Oh and PS Liz, you prolly won't want to hang around me in about four years time. I feel a touch of the raging bitch coming on.

Liz: Thanks for the warning.

CHAPTER TWO
Sarah is at home with her dad.

Sarah: Annie's a cheating cheater who lies about her family and shirks her chores. She's pretty much an adult version of Jessica.

Dad: Who's Jessica?

Sarah: You know, Jessica Wakefield of the Wakefield twins, Jess and Liz.

Dad: Oh, that twin. I'll dump Annie's sorry ass right now.

Sarah: Thanks dad. Let's have a party.

Dad: Why?

Sarah: These book either end in a party or a coma, and since this is a happy ending...

Dad: Ok

THE END

Sweet Valley High #30 Jealous Lies; or Let's Sing a Song of Five. How Many is Five?

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 12:40:33 GMT

Have you ever noticed how the lyrics to Sesame Street eerily parallel the Sweet Valley lifestyle?

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet.
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to ~~Sesame~~ Calico Street.

Although, if Sesame Street was like Sweet Valley, the cookie monster would have an eating disorder, Oscar the Grouch would find notes stuffed in his trash can saying We don't need your kind in Sweet Valley. Get out, and take your brother with you, Bert and Ernie would probably be in the same support group as Tom McKay, and Jessica’s conscience would be like Mr Snuffleupagus--something she swears exists but nobody ever sees. So a pre-emptive thanks to Sesame Street and The Simpsons ‘Homer’s Phobia’ for my rampant referencing of their pure brilliance.

This week we’re once again in that sordid little burg, Sweet Valley, where bitchery abounds and the dense but filthy rich prosper. We’re tossed into a bizarro world where a PBA member betrays her closest friend in the whole world but feels real (!?!1??!) guilt about it and attempts to right her wrongs in a truthful and caring manner. All we need is Elizabeth posing for Playboy, and Mr Collins paying for it under the counter, to create a comic book serial to rival Bizarro Superman. Actually, you’d think Mr Collins wasn’t around in this book but those strategically placed webcams in Elizabeth’s room beg to differ. Still, there’s enough PBA bitchery to make any Heather worth her salt happy. And we also catch a glimpse of Tom McKay before he became so…festive. As for the book cover…oh, look it’s Sandy from Grease after she joined the Pink Ladies; and watch out Liz, Jean is stealing your moves.

This book starts in good old Casa Wakefield, which I have decided has been transported back to 1950s Americana. This family is too loving, cheerful, PG, and so un-PC to live anywhere but. Can’t you just imagine the twins wearing bullet bras and Elizabeth sporting a pair of cats eye glasses? Aside from mutual wallowing in their own Zap Brannigan-esque love for themselves and their own perfection, they talk about Steven coming home for the weekend. Even though Sesame Street didn’t exist in the 50s, this song fits the Wakefield’s perception of themselves so well: A, you're adorable; B, you're so beautiful; C, you're a cutie full of charms; D, you're a darling; And E, you're exciting and so on, ad nauseam. After a little more puke inducing perfection in the form of the twins intro passage we move onto the next dinner topic, which is the twins sorority Pi Beta Alpha (PBA).

Jessica is gushing like a ready to pop zit, but what’s weird here is how her parents even care about what she does at high school. In my youth, if I was all pent up and had to unload at the dinner table about my teenage wonderland, all my dad had to say about it was ‘would you shut up your yapping with all your teeny-bopper crap.’ Whatever. PBA is pledging new members. Jessica is putting up Amy, who mainly passes muster in the PBA universe because her head consists of teddy bear stuffing.

Concerning the PBA, Alice notes “I just hope you girls remember to be considerate of other people’s feelings. I imagine that getting cut must be extremely painful.” Oh Alice, you poor deluded soul. When ever has a teenage club existed not for the purposes of keeping people OUT. The No Homers club and the Against Taffy Sinclair club were just prototypes for PBA. Although, how exclusive is this sorority if they let in Enid and Caroline Pearce? Next thing they'll be letting in Lois Waller and Betsy Martin, and before you know it there goes the neighbourhood. ‘Think of the property values. Now the twins can never say only beautiful people have been in their house.’

In the next scene our eminence, Lila, graces us. The PBA meeting is at her house. All the girls are gossiping to beat the band and Lila wants them to all drink a nice warm cup of shut the hell up. Maybe this would help you, Lila:

Sandra Bacon is sitting at the back of the meeting, bogged down in morose meanderings of how she is 137 kinds of fugly compared to all the girls at the meeting and especially to Jean West. Although in most of the other books Jean and Sandra seem on par with each other popularity and looks-wise, now Sandra feels inferior to Jean and wants to keep PBA for herself (which Jean is not a member of).
So we spend the next 130 pages reading about how Sandra doesn’t rate next to Jean in looks--mostly due to the fact that even though on the cover Sandra looks blond, I’ve heard cuffs and collar don’t match, if you get my drift. Sandra feels oh, so guilty about wanting to bar Jean from PBA. “Jean was her best friend, and she knew her feelings were wrong. She was being disloyal to the girl she cared about most in the world.” Sweet merciful crap, Sandra, do you think Jessica gives a sweet damn when she’s screwing over Liz big time, the sister she supposedly cares about most in the world? Just accept you’re the bitchiest bitch that ever bitched, and move on. Seriously, the rest of the PBA meeting scene goes on like this. I might have more sympathy for Sandra if she didn’t believe she was such a complete Grug (compare the below pic to the book cover):

Chapter Two opens on Sandra and Jean at the Sweet Valley high swimming pool, during water-ballet practice. Since they are showing off their hottie hotness in swimming cozzies, Bruce has enlisting 1bruce1 to hide in the bushes and take photos. 1bruce1, ever the gentleman, thinks this is for the yearbook--but knowing Bruce as well as I do, I think 1bruce1’s been had. The girls discuss the PBA pledge tasks, such as the annual scamming some poor sod as your pity date at a PBA party. 1bruce1’s metaphorical ears perk up at ‘pity date.’ Sandra muses internally that she’ll have to find a guy for Jean that’ll be sure to turn her down mwa ha ha.
Sandra doesn’t have to search for that long before she’s in the school’s caf with Elizabeth and our prince among men, Winston. Liz invites them to Steven’s coming home party cause there’s nothing more exciting then finding out the only people attending your party are your younger sister’s friends. High school kids are so 80s. Then Winston mentions (for no apparent reason beyond being convenient to this book’s plot) that Tom McKay ventured a hello in Jean’s direction that morning and she totally blew him off. He was not pleased. The wheels turn in Sandra’s feeble brain…well, at least it isn’t Amy planning a friend betrayal, for if it was her, she’d still be sitting at the caf table 110 pages later with the wheels still turning in her brain. The only reason Amy’s joining the sorority is because words are hard! and the phrase ‘PBA’ is much easier to remember when talking to boys about interests and stuff.
Now let us pause a moment for the snarkable joy that is Tom McKay. The ghostwriters seemed to make a hasty move when they took Tom McKay over to the gay side, considering he's been straight for 74 novels...or has he? [insert creepy cackling]. Everything he says before #75 has a double meaning. Is he a straight gay guy, is he a gay straight guy, or is he just a moment of bad planning? You decide. (I would so love it if Tom’s sexuality was a Choose Your Own Adventure novel). Still, anytime Tom McKay’s name is mentioned I have this mental image of Bruce, Todd, Winston, Ken, Jeffy, and Tom lined up against a wall somewhere and this is the music playing: One of these things is not like the others, not like the others, not like the others. Can you tell which thing is not like the others? Although I’m a little confused as to how Tom could possibly be gay as all Sweet Valley males appear to have the anatomy of a Ken doll--what is going in where exactly, in those hot-handed fumblings out at Miller’s Point?
Be prepared, I’m going to ride the Tom McKay horse until it’s lame. Set your gaydar on stun.
After the cafeteria conversation, Sandra runs straight to Lila and says Tom just has to be Jean’s pity date for her first pledge task. Lila, who likes Jean and wants her to make it into the sorority, doesn’t think it’s a good idea. Sandra says Jean could get any guy. “Well, I agree with you about ‘any guy,’” Lila said, wrinkling her brow. “But Tom?” Does Lila know something she's not telling us? Has she spotted Tom in the women's shoe section in her weekly hunt for the perfect pair of Manolo Blahnik's? Then we arrive at the moment in the book that I circled so heavily with my pen that I tore the page out: “He was exactly the kind of guy most girls dreamed about, but he seldom dated. The last girl he’d gone out with was Jessica Wakefield, and a few people joked that she had turned him off the female sex forever…” Oh, that Jess. It seems Tom was straight until she turned him. Maybe she could have that printed on t-shirts: turning 'em gay since '86. Although something tells me Tom chose Sno Balls over Hostess Cup Cakes way back when they were handing them out at grade school parties.
Later, Sandra tells Jean that Tom is chosen to be her pity date, and Jean is all nofe air! Nofe air! Nofe air! Sandra thinks Jean’s onto her JessÔ Deviousness and says she had to choose a difficult pity date or the rest of the PBA would think she’s making it easy for her best friend. Jean, having eagerly borrowed Liz’s doormat and wiped her feet on it, says she understands. Lila joins them and suggests they corner Tom after his tennis match that afternoon.
Cut to Jessica and Cara. Both have taken time out from their heathering to discuss Steven’s coming home party. Cara offers to help but Jessica says that’s okay, the only things on her list for party supplies are a loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. But Cara can’t concentrate. She is hand to forehead bereft. Steven has told her he’s quitting the Sweet Valley series and is going to work on the Love Boat. Apparently he didn’t get the memo that it was cancelled in 1986.
Back to Sandra, Jean, and Lila, who have found Tom just as he’s finished his tennis match. Lila asks him to keep them company, and Tom protests, “I should probably sit with the team. Coach says--” Bart, I mean Jean, interrupts with ‘Something about a bunch of guys alone together on a tennis court... seems kinda gay.’ Tom’s a little confused by Jean’s attention (well, any girl’s attention, really) but decides to explore exile from guyville for a while and sits with the girls. They talk tennis, then segue into Jean’s pity date. She asks him to go with her to Cara’s PBA party on Saturday night. “Tom looked astounded. ‘With you?’ he repeated blankly”:
Crickets are heard in the distance.
Tumbleweeds blow by.
A tree falls in the woods.
Tom is still wearing a blank look. But he finally he thinks, with a tilt to his head, what would 1bruce1 do? and responds, telling Jean yes. Sandra looks none the happier.
Later that night--well, I suppose it’s later that night, they never say. Does the time-space continuum apply in Sweet Valley? Anyway, Sandra and Jean have gone all sleepover friends in the West’s living room, and after scarfing down oodles of Onion Soup-Olives-Bacon-Bits-and-Sour-Cream Dip they talk PBA. Jean feels like she’s been whacked senseless with the lucky stick--she’s acing tests, been chosen to start the dancing at the Friday the Thirteenth dance, and now she practically has Tom McKay falling in her lap (even if he doesn’t know what to do with it while he’s there). They’ve been talking on the telephone and having a grand ole time. It must be LUV. I've read it too many times to ignore it. Is it something that I'm supposed to see? Someday we'll all find it, the rainbow connection…[Sorry. Some people have acid flashbacks, I have Sesame Street flashbacks.] So Sandra’s upset her nefarious plan to thwart Jean’s PBA membership is going pear shaped, but she also feels guilty about her treachery.
The ghostwriters can’t bring on Casa Wakefield fast enough. BMOC Steven has arrived home, like a battery to be recharged by his family’s unending praise and love of the Wakefield lineage. We’ve fallen back into 50s Americana, with a plot line that might have flown in a 50s novel (and been original in that era, too). Stevie-boy wants to quit higher learning and, as it’s been noted above, work on the Love Boat. The ’rents protest, Steven wheels out the Jess-HissyÔ and flits from the room to go cry in his pillow. Before the dust has settled, Liz chimes in with an era appropriate solution to the Steven problem. Get Hayley Mills on the phone, they’re going to parent trap him. Everyone, Sweet Valley-wide, will pretend that they don’t care if Steven leaves and with a dash of reverse psychology they’ll trick him into staying in Sweet Valley. Oooooh, the hi-jinks they’ll get up to…meh, I’m tired of plot B already. Stick a fork in it, it’s done.
Sandra heads over to the Valley Mall, to find Tom where he works at the Tennis Shop. The Tennis Shop is located between Stoner’s Pot Palace and One Night Stan’s. Sandra figures she’ll nip Jean and Tom’s romance in the bud. Oh so casually browsing through the tennis store, she ‘bumps’ into Tom. Sandra assumes her Jess-InnocenceÔ tone of voice and brings up the PBA pledge tasks, such as wearing silly clothes to school, getting a pity date for the PBA party, etc. Tom’s all, wait a minute, I was invited to that party, and hey, isn’t Jean a PBA pledge? before Sandra runs out of the store in fake embarrassment. Being a complete bitch is such a hard job, isn’t it?
Tom is ToddPunch mad at this point. It’s obvious Jean is using him. And here he thought she’d be the perfect beard. So, this being Sweet Valley, revenge is always the more logical choice over explaining your hurt feelings in a forthright manner, and Tom decides to get even with Jean.
Onto plot B and Casa Wakefield: Elizabeth knocks on Steven’s door. Steven asks who it is. ‘It is I, your newest super hero. Three cheers for me, Captain Vegetable. Crunch, crunch, crunch!’ (kidding). Sneaky, sneaky Elizabeth wants to borrow Steven’s computer permanently now that he’ll be sailing off into the sunset on the Love Boat. Steven can’t understand his family’s complete turn around on the Love Boat thing, but he’s certain Cara will still scream and tear her hair out over his leaving, so he’s not backing down.
It’s the night of the PBA party and Jean is working those bad 80s fashions like there’s no tomorrow. She’s waiting for Tom to pick her up and musing how there’s something special between her and him. Hey, maybe love can exist beyond callously using a guy to get into a sorority. And she’s not Jessica, so she took the time to say two words to him before deciding there’s a future between them, so I can work with it. But something’s amiss, Tom’s really late. Oh noes!
Tom finally calls and Jean shrieks, actually shrieks, where are you? Because that’s always sexy in a date. He bullshits her like he has Jess whispering sweet excuses in his ear. This phone tag goes on for several hours until Jean’s a basket case. (Oh for the days when being stood up by a date was a cause to break out the straight razors and run a bath). Apparently Tom’s so ‘sick’ he had to go to the hospital.
Finally Jean goes to the party alone and explains to the PBA girls she’s been stood up. Sandra’s one squee! away from nirvana, thinking Jean won’t be accepted into the sorority. Even Amy had time to put down her flash cards and little golden books and drag her pity date, Aaron Dallas, to the party. The girls accept the Tom’s sick excuse, which doesn’t please Sandra. She gets Jean to call the hospital, and to Jean’s utter humiliation, Tom isn’t there. Jean’s failed the pledge task. The girls like Jean so much they give her another substitute pledge task, which Sandra says isn’t fair. Uh oh, Sandra’s betrayal is out the open. Jean, in the way of teenage girls around the world, decides she’ll hate Sandra forever and ever and ever.
Across the room, Cara is keeping up with the parent trap hi-jinks, pretending she thinks maybe she and Steven should break up if he’s going to spend months at a time on the Love Boat. But hey, they can still be friends. “Like hell we will” Steven retorts. Be still my beating a heart. Is that a semi-curse word used in the world of Sweet Valley? That’s like the Cookie Monster dropping the F-bomb in the middle of the C is for Cookie song, or Kermit sexually harassing Miss Piggy and saying she asked for it after acting the way she has all those years--something to remember and reminisce over in my old age.
The next day Jean plans her substitute pledge task. She’ll act like she believed Tom was sick, get him to love her even more, ask him to the Friday the Thirteenth dance, and then dance the opening dance with another guy while the PBA point and laugh at Tom. It’s teenage behaviour like this that illustrates why kids bring semi-automatics to school. Jean goes to Tom’s house with a care package: some mascara, an issue of Stud Puppy, a bottle of Perrier, a Joan Crawford post card, and a candy dish. When Jean arrives, Tom’s so obviously not sick, but Jean lays the caring attitude on thick.
No wonder Tom’s confused about girls. So far Jessica, Sandra, and now Jean have used him as a pawn in their teenage dramas. And in a later book he’ll have to deal with Amy’s inept manipulations. I get the feeling Tom isn’t attracted to guys so much as he really isn’t attracted to Sweet Valley girls. Still, he falls for Jean’s shtick, promises her a special treat at school tomorrow, and even talks to her in a husky voice. You know it’s serious when the ghostwriter breaks out the husky voice--using a husky voice is the closest Francine has ever come to admitting that guys get erections.
The B plot rears its ugly head for a while. You know the drill. By this point Steven is wondering why don’t they love me enough to want me to stay. I guess the parent trap is working. Sheesh.
Sandra finds Jean near her locker at school the next day. While Sandra doesn’t admit her ulterior motives (her ugmosity, her jealously of Jean), she does apologise for her behaviour. Jean accepts. Sandra is overjoyed and vows “at once to give up her attempt to keep Jean out of the sorority.” Because she’s not Jessica, I believe her.
Tom reveals his special treat to Jean at lunch. His idea of a hot date is a picnic lunch on the front lawn of the high school. Jean’s reaction is pretty much mine: “No wonder Tom McKay didn’t have very many dates.” What is it with Tom? Is it the Sweet Valley air, does it have a swishifying effect on kids today? I mean, Bruce’d be half way to date raping her by now, with 1bruce1 lining up for sloppy seconds. Step up your game, Tom. Still, the picnic goes swimmingly and we segue into an afternoon date at the Clinton Falls amusement park. The big romantic moment occurs on the Ferris wheel. They swap spit and Tom speaks to her in a husky voice twice. I’m surprised Jean’s not pregnant by the time they come down.
We plot B it for a few pages. There’s a surprise ‘Bon Voyage’ party for Steven in the works. Keep Saturday on your calendar free.
Now Jean is conflicted. She wants to be in the PBA but she doesn’t want to betray Tom to get there. After discussing the situation with Sandra, Jean decides PBA isn’t worth it. She admits she only wanted to join to be closer to Sandra. Sandra feels about two inches tall. This is all her fault. She realises her insecurity around Jean is her own problem. Now if only there was something she could do to fix this mess.
After school Jean and Tom hang out in the McKay’s backyard, loved-up and watching the clouds float by. Jean is thinking a couple of weeks ago she would never have believed she could be so happy. Tom is thinking about Bruce. Since love means never having to say you’re sorry, Jean admits using Tom as a PBA pity date, and Tom admits faking his sickness. He also reveals Sandra tipped him off to the fact that he was Jean’s pity date. Ah, Sandra’s treachery is reveal. In the only spot of maturity shown in a teen girl’s series ever, Jean decides “she had no idea why Sandra would have wanted to keep her out of the sorority, but she felt it was up to Sandra to tell her about it if and when she was ready.” Jean you just graduated the teen genre and are ready for chick-lit.
Elizabeth’s spidey sense is tingling and she finds her way to the student lounge where Sandra is all woe is me. Well, it’s page 102 and Liz hasn’t helped anyone by now, so the ghostwriter just had to squeeze it in. Elizabeth has heard about Jean’s mean plot to embarrass Tom, but Sandra says it’s all her fault and she should burn in hell and so forth. She doesn’t explain beyond that, running away crying, and leaves Elizabeth mostly in the dark. “Elizabeth guessed it wasn’t a good idea to criticize Jean’s scheme in front of Sandra. She had seen loyalty before, but Sandra was really going overboard.” Liz, three words. Pot. Kettle. Black.
Apparently Mr Collins perve sense was tingling too, because he finds a bereft Sandra before English class. Sandra begins “suppose you’d done something rotten--I mean really rotten--to someone you care a lot about…” And he’s thinking oh crap, she knows about the webcams. But his pulse rate returns to normal when she reveals she’s done Jean wrong. Mr Collins asks for particulars--probably so he can Dear Diary it later in the privacy of his own home. Cause you just know he keeps a scrapbook on Liz and other SV hotties. But Sandra won’t divulge details, and he gives her the standard ‘do the right thing’ spiel.
Then we interrupt for some plot B-ness. Steven wants to have a serious talk with the ’rents but they blow him off. Then on the phone, Cara is all light and airy about the idea of breaking up with Steven. Their indifference to his existence is enough to convince Steven to stick around Sweet Valley. The parent trap is sprung. The sheer stupidity of SV characters makes me sick in a wonderful, wonderful way.
Tom picks up Jean the night of the Friday the Thirteenth dance. Ah, the dance. What’s a Sweet Valley denouement without a dance or party, I ask you? Jean’s excited about Tom’s company--but nervous about Sandra’s betrayal and showing up the PBA when she doesn’t go through with embarrassing Tom. And it’s her birthday, no less.
At the dance, Jessica, Lila, and Cara descend on Jean like the witches of Macbeth, cackling and rubbing their hands with glee at the havoc Jean is supposedly about to wreak on Tom’s self esteem and general sanity. These girls really need some hobbies. Or therapy. But it’s the best Jean has to work with when these are the people in her neighbourhood. A bunch of bitches are the people in her neighbourhood, in her neighbourhood, in her neigh-bour-hood. The PBA master-plan is: since it’s Jean’s birthday, she’ll lead the first dance and choose a guy to accompany her--cruelly choosing someone other than Tom. It’s kind of a crappy plan now I think about it. But this is Sweet Valley. Go with it.
Jean is called onto the dance floor and a crowd surrounds her. She’s asked to choose her mystery date. Will she pick the dud? You betcha. She picks Tom. And they dance. The PBA’s are flummoxed and after the dance they surround Jean with fury in their eyes. It’s the Lord of the Flies, sixteen-year-old-girl-style. Jean is persona non grata and out of the PBA for good. But then Sandra reveals how she’s plotted for the whole book to keep Jean out of the PBA, and she’s the one who should be kicked out. Tearfully Sandra and Jean apologise to each other, and hug like Bruce Patman’s paying them. Sandra’s so happy her problems are solved she could just:
for joy.
So we end with Sandra and Jean BFF, PBA forgiving them both and allowing them into the sorority, and Jean and Tom living happily ever after (well, until book #75 anyway--and in SV years that’s a looong time). And Plot B dies a quiet death when Cara and Steven turn up at his ‘Bon Voyage’ surprise party, and a caterer enters the room with his arms weighed down by cream pies, announcing five…cream…pies before falling down. Then Steven explains he’s staying in the Valley after all. Oh, and Jeffy pops his head in and says hi before being shunted off some thirty-odd books later. Read about Jeffy in SVH #31 Taking Sides. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! And that’s the song of five!
For surviving my somewhat epic recap here’s a quote from The Simpsons about Sesame Street which has nothing to do with Sweet Valley:
Lisa: Dad, what's a muppet?
Homer: Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but man... [laughs hysterically] So to answer your question I don't know.
And in honour of Tom McKay, here’s a game to find out your drag queen name. It’s ‘the name of the first pet you had and the name of the first street you lived on.’ So my drag queen name is Charlie Murphy. What’s yours?

This recap was brought to you by the letter ‘S’ S is for Sociopath, that’s good enough for me…

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The Library, a forum

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 15:43:43 GMT

There's a new forum online called The Library:

http://z11.invisionfree.com/Library/index.php?act=idx

It's a place to talk about any and every book that ever existed.

There are subforums for classics, non-fiction, adult, young adult, and children's books; and a Debate forum.

If you want to talk about sci-fi, romance, crime, action, literary, or pretty much any genre, just join and start a thread.

There are also subforums for Sweet Valley, Harry Potter, The Baby-Sitter Club, and Lurlene McDaniels.

If you like an author or series of books none of your friends are into, come and talk about it at The Library.

SVH #53 Second Chance; or Tennis the Menace (recap)

Sun, 22 Jun 2008 13:51:22 GMT

SVH #53 Second Chance focuses mainly on Kristin Thompson. On the cover she’s clutching her tennis racket to her chest, I think it’s love. Considering she dumps Bruce’s sorry ass before the end, and there’s no other love interest (barring everybody’s favourite Porsche, 1bruce1, who’s crying in the corner of the Patman garage over the fact Kristin never really loved him) that tennis racket is the only thing to keep her happy late at night. Also on the cover, Kristin looks a little annoyed--which I figure is because even though Saint Elizabeth helps her in the story, Liz was too lazy to join her on the cover, looking over her shoulder with a concerned expression. Boo Liz. Ever since God tapped her for sainthood in that big ole sorority in the sky, she thinks she’s too good to do cover photo ops with no-name one-shot characters. (Oh, and just for reference, anything between “ ” are quotes from the book, anything between ‘ ’ are quotes from my own deluded mind or random tv shows.)

Yeah, in this book Liz’s do-gooder-ness reaches epic proportions when she takes time out of her schedule to help--not one--but mass amounts of semi-orphans. Even Charles Dickens is throwing up in his mouth a little at that one. Elizabeth finds Enid in the cafeteria, emoting like there’s no tomorrow. She has good news. She has just talked to Mr Collins (and even though it’s not shown, I can just imagine that scene: Mr Collins is in the Oracle office murmuring George Michael’s ‘Father Figure’ under his breath, I will be your father figure, put your tiny hand in mine, I will be your preacher teacher, anything you have in mind, when Elizabeth walks into the room. Mr Collins looks at her, smiles and says ‘I was just thinking of you, Liz’), and has given her the material for the new Sweet Valley High Big Sister-Little Sister program.

It’s mentioned several times Mr Collins has been working very closely with Elizabeth and Enid on the Little Sister program, and when Elizabeth reads aloud the program’s mission statement at the lunch table I understand why. “The foundation says that for some of these girls it makes all the difference in the world having someone older who cares about them, who takes an interest in what they’re doing.” Since I learned all I need to know about inappropriate underage love interests from South Park, I suspect this program is a front for Mr Collins and others of his type. I could be wrong, though. As long as the girls aren’t asked to go on The Catholic Boat, be poster children for NAMBLA, or go on any wacky molestation adventures, I think they’ll be okay. And at least Mr Collins isn’t a chicken lover, so he’s okay in my book.

Still, I must pause this recap for some more Mr Collins If You’re Nasty-goodness (come on, you know you love it). Mr Collins “had been only too eager to help Elizabeth and Enid when they explained they wanted to start a Big Sister chapter at Sweet Valley High.” I can just picture them in the Oracle office, working on the Big Sister project. Mr Collins is watching Elizabeth and Enid interacting and thinking, ‘Oh, yeah, Liz! Give Enid some meaningful eye contact, give it to her. Give it to her hard. You like that Enid, don’t you, you nerdy little minx? Run your hands a little lower over Liz’s halo, and arch your back and fawn over Liz like you mean it…oh, oh, oh, that’s it girls. Perfect. I‘m done, I need a cigarette.” Actually, I think the reason I find Mr Collins so creepy is not the fact that he is so attentive to Elizabeth, but that he exhibits absolutely no attraction towards Jessica. Because, really, Jessica is hands down the twin worth pursuing. Being attracted to Elizabeth is like lusting over Ann Landers. I suppose it’s possible in theory, but why would you want to? Okay, back to the recap.

Elizabeth praises Enid for starting the Little Sister program, and Enid is all aw shucks since she “didn’t find it easy to be complimented.” Probably because it’s such a foreign concept to her. Then the ghostwriter inconveniently inserts the ‘twins are identical down to the matching dimple in their left butt cheek’ intro passage, which is a little different this book as Jessica now has a serious long term boyfriend, A.J. Before A.J., Jessica’s “love life had been as changeable as her wardrobe” and bore an uncanny resemblance to a street walker’s nightly schedule. Considering the complete blahness of A.J.’s personality, I think sociopath Jess pulled off what Jeffrey Dahmer never could, and has created the perfect compliant zombie boyfriend.

Enid wonders if they should ask Jessica to be a Big Sister. Yep. Because inviting Jess to mentor a young impressionable girl is always a good idea. Much like getting Paris Hilton to teach a sex ed class to sixth graders. If Jessica did say yes, I could imagine a shocked Enid asking why, and Jessica thinking don’t say revenge, don’t say revenge. Elizabeth notes “I’m sure Jessica will be happy to help out.” Yeah, and I just looked out the window and saw a pig flying.

Jeffy joins Elizabeth at the lunch table, and “squeezed her shoulder affectionately.” Considering Sweet Valley’s warped understanding of sexuality, Liz just lost her virginity. Jeffy, you da man! Jessica turns up as well, and there is conversation about pairing up semi-orphaned girls with Sweet Valley students. Kristin Thompson is mentioned as a possible Big Sister when they read out the bio of a little girl who has lost her mother and loves tennis. Elizabeth decides to ask Kristin if she’ll participate in the program, and Enid notes, “You always manage to make things seem perfectly simple.” It’s just a reflection of Liz’s intelligence, Enid, don’t act so shocked.

We move onto Kristin, who is living a nigel-no-friends existence in the school library, writing an english essay. As she is so busy practicing to be a tennis pro after school, she has to complete her homework at lunch time. There are numerous pages about her commitment to tennis and becoming a pro and how it conflicts with her desire to be a normal teen. Considering where she lives, it’s surprising she hasn’t cottoned onto the fact that no one in Sweet Valley is a normal teen. What girl’s book series does she think she’s in anyway? That is Kristin’s sole personality conflict in the entire book. Way to knock yourself out, Francine. Later, Elizabeth catches up to Kristin after school at the bike racks. Elizabeth is surprised at how pretty Kristin is. I’m not. I’m reading a Sweet Valley book, after all. Elizabeth asks Kristin to be a Big Sister, and Kristin mentions she’s busy practicing for the Avery Cup tournament, but will think about it. Kristin rides her bike off into the sunset.

Not really. She rides to tennis practice, conveniently for the reader having a flashback of how her tennis champ mum died when she was young and now Kristin is completely focused on tennis so she can live up to her mother’s memory. I would have shed a tear, really, but I was too busy getting a tan for Bruce’s big bash. At the tennis club Kristin meets up with Dorrie, her dead mother’s best friend and Kristin’s tennis coach. Dorrie is another of the teeming population of Sweet Valley’s beautiful people, except at the age of thirty-eight, her hair has a few streaks of grey. Wh-wh-what!, did I hear you say? Someone in Sweet Valley that ages? Here I thought anyone over the age of thirty-five was done away with in the style of Logan’s Run. Kristin and Dorrie practice on the tennis courts but Kristin’s having a bad day, starting with her first serve when she accidentally catches her tennis racket in her shorts, ripping them off, and flinging them at Dorrie’s head. ‘Aghh! Get ‘em off, get ‘em off,’ Dorrie shrieks. It’s all downhill from there. Will Kristin ever win the upcoming tournament dealy?

After practice, Kristin and Dorrie meet Kristin’s father, Mr Thompson, for dinner at the tennis club’s dining room. Mr Thompson owns this club plus several more. Way back he got the start up money after winning a talent show. The first prize was a free autopsy and burial. Since Mr Thompson wasn’t deceased, and was too stingy to use the prize on dead Mrs Thompson, he used the cemetery monument cement to lay down a regulation-size tennis court and his business just grew from there. They all talk about Kristin’s chances in the Avery Cup. If she wins, she can join Nick Wylie’s pro team. Kristin wonders aloud about how they would feel if she lost. What, Kristin lose? Mr Thompson and Dorrie are as bewildered as Tom McKay at the prospect of unhooking a bra. Later, at home, Kristin is all woe is me, wanting to date and have fun like any normal girl, or in Jessica’s case, date and have fun like any normal working girl. Kristin flashbacks to good ole dead mum and I have a little nap for the next couple of pages.

A few days later Kristin spots Elizabeth and Jeffy. She informs Elizabeth that she’ll be a Big Sister, and Liz smiles as God pats her on the shoulder for a job well done. At least God’s pledge tasks to get into his sorority OMG aren’t as bitchily minded as the PBA pledge tasks. Although, Elizabeth is getting off pretty easy--Jesus had to walk on water and turn water into wine, after all. I bet he’s annoyed, thinking God’ll let in anyone these days. Even the devil has standards. But, you know, after the devil pledged Jessica into his sorority, he didn’t really need anyone else.

Later, after last period, Kristin has the afternoon off from tennis practice and hangs around school. She spots Bruce and Adam Tyner playing tennis. Jessica, Cara, A.J., Lila, Amy, and 1bruce1 are watching from the sidelines like good, little sycophants. They would have been playing on Bruce’s at-home court but he had it converted into a human chess board. Kristin really notices Bruce for the first time, that he has “a kind of dark, overpowering appearance.” Overpowering is apt, if you’re with him in the back seat of his Porsche after a date. She decides to sit down with the others and watch the tennis match. The others greet Kristin, talking up her mad tennis skills. She could beat the socks off Bruce--and probably any other items of clothing he’d care to discard. They rope Kristin into facing off against Bruce, and she is whipping his butt (he wishes) until she realises “how humiliated Bruce was going to feel, losing to a girl in front of his friends.” So she throws the game and lets Bruce win. That does it! Shenanigans! I declare shenanigans! I’m not so much offended as a woman, as I am as a creative person. In no way should someone sabotage their deepest passion to impress someone else.

Still, Kristin’s ploy works. Bruce decides a girl who’ll sabotage her self to make him look good is a girl he could come to love. Morality and dignity of character are a slippery slope in Sweet Valley. There’s only one way the emotionally dead Bruce can show his affection, and so he introduces Kristin to 1bruce1. 1bruce1 is squeeing! in his metaphorical shorts. They ask to take her for a spin and she accepts. I can just imagine 1bruce1 that night, tucked in the Patman’s garage and giggling like a school girl, Dear Diary…Since I’m on a roll with personifying 1bruce1, allow me, if I may, to go further. Imagine if they tricked out 1bruce1 so he was like Kitt from Knight Rider? How cool would that be? Can’t you just see Bruce in a spot of female bother, whispering into his watch ‘I need you, 1bruce1. I need ya, buddy’? I wonder who would voice 1bruce1, maybe Pierce Brosnan. However, I don’t see 1bruce1 as having Kitt’s super intelligence. Only something as dumb as a bag of hair could put up with Bruce’s macho posturing without feeling the urge to run itself off the nearest cliff. But I digress…

On the drive over to the tennis club, the conversation consists of two things, Kristin’s gruelling tennis career, and how great Bruce is. Seriously. Characterisation is not a plentiful thing in Sweet Valley. Bruce gets excited for a moment when Kristin refers to the intense practice it takes in becoming a pro, until he realises she’s talking about tennis. For one sweet minute he was fantasising about a ménage a trois between him, 1bruce1, and Kristin. Still, Bruce asks her out on a date. Kristin is agog and leaves for tennis practice walking on air. Bruce and 1bruce1 go home to squeeze in a couple of hacky sack games before dinner.

Cut to Friday night. It’s date time. Kristin has snuck out of the house because she believes her father wouldn’t approve of any non-tennis activities. Kristin and Bruce have a fun time joking around before the movie and trading opinions of the movie after it’s over. Homer, sorry, Kristin asks ‘Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?’ What Kristin doesn’t know is Bruce is wearing an ear-piece and 1bruce1 is feeding him intelligent conversation from the parking lot. After they drive home, Bruce parks out the front of Kristin’s house. They snuggle up together. Bruce, being at a loss for words when not talking about himself, whispers to 1bruce1 ‘take over, buddy.’ And 1bruce1 tells Kristin “You’re an amazing girl, Kristin. I’ve never met anyone like you before. I’d like to see you again.” Yet Kristin is nervous because she worries they’ll distract her from her tennis career.

Early on Saturday, Elizabeth goes to interview Kristin at the tennis club for The Oracle. But Kristin is not there. Dorrie and Mr Thompson proceed to become apoplectic because Kristin is, read it, ten minutes late. After Kristin arrives, the two girls get on with the interview. From the minute Elizabeth raises her eyebrows you know she’s gone into interfering mode. She’s like the Terminator, she won’t stop until she’s ‘helped’ her victim. They discuss Kristin’s family life and career. Then Elizabeth tells Kristin she’ll be a Big Sister to a little girl called Emily, and hands her an information pack. Liz compliments Kristin on her lifestyle choices, saying she has what it takes to be a winner. If Kristin’s hard work and dedication are what makes a winner in today’s world, for Jessica I see a long career ahead as the cashier at the drive-thru of a McDonald’s or maybe selling discount shoes at the local Try‘n’Save.

Later, Kristin and Mr Thompson are at home, relaxing. Bruce calls. Kristin reflects on Bruce’s ego and how he only talks about himself. Yet she’s still flattered by his interest in her and wants to see him again. Yeah, only in Francine’s mind is it normal to go out with a guy you don’t like much just because he’s popular and shows you a little attention. Bruce wants to pick Kristin up for a date right at that moment, but she says she’s too busy. Bruce is shocked into silence. *tumbleweeds blow past in the distance* Usually when Bruce says jump, a girl says ‘how high, and do you want me to take my shirt off first?’ Me, I’m just enjoying the silence.

Emily, the Little Sister, gets a scant three pages as an intro, and then we’re back to Days Of Our Bruce. He’s called again. Bruce, have a little dignity, please. Bruce’s attentions leads into one of the most mild father-daughter fights of SVH history. Excuse me for thinking I’d stumbled onto the pages of a refined comedy of manners. Seriously, where’s Jessica when you need her? Kristin runs into Bruce’s arms just to demonstrate to daddy how mature and what an adult she is. Although, I think running away from Bruce would show rationalism and a mature attitude, but whatever, I’m not a character in the book and Kristin is. Once Kristin meets up with Bruce and 1bruce1, they cajole her into taking a long drive to LA and spending a late night at a jazz club. Kristin doesn’t want to as it’ll mess with her tennis schedule, but she “sat back, feeling helpless. There wasn’t much she could do to stop Bruce.” What is she, a quadriplegic mute? Just tell Bruce no and get out of the car.

The next day, Kristin is psyching herself up for the Avery Cup trial match. Dorrie is giving her advice, and Mr Thompson and Emily are in the stands, watching. During the match, Kristin is playing a bad game, but gives it all she’s worth, and wins with quite a struggle. Everyone thinks she’s the shit, but secretly Kristin knows how badly she played out there. On the drive home, Mr Thompson calmly lectures her about good tennis skills and how she will win, which leads into another epic non-fight between father and daughter. Forget St Elizabeth, what Kristin needs right now is St Jessica. Can you imagine if Jessica harnessed her powers for good instead of evil? After watching Kristin’s scaled down hissy with her father, St Jess would gently pull Kristin aside and, with some concerned eyelash fluttering, advise Kristin how to have a tantrum for maximum effect. None of this helping out motherless children rubbish for St Jess.

Bruce calls yet again, with 1bruce1 listening avidly in the background, and gives her some bullshit excuse about not turning up for the trial tennis match. Kristin has his number and knows Bruce is talking out the wrong orifice. Still, she doesn’t hang up. Bruce asks Kristin to his “parents’ enormous annual blowout bash” on Saturday night. Kristin isn’t sure she can go because on Sunday morning she has the final qualifying match for the Avery Cup.

Then we cut to the next day, at school. Jessica, Lila, Cara, and Amy are eating lunch together in the cafeteria, discussing date and clothing options for Bruce’s big bash. Amy, the deluded soul that she is, wonders why Bruce has been ignoring her lately and if he’ll be her date for the big bash. Jessica and Lila decide not to clue her in, and when Amy has left the table, they discuss how Bruce is probably taking Kristin to the big bash. Lila notes, “I can’t wait to see sparks fly when Amy shows up on Saturday and realises she isn’t Bruce’s date!” Actually, I don’t see this being a problem. Amy’s so dense, she probably won’t realise she’s not Bruce’s date, even when she’s at the party. All Bruce has to do on the big night, when Amy turns up, is lead her over to a potted palm that he’s disguised as a guest in a tuxedo. He’ll explain that this is his good friend…uh, um…Joey-Jo-Jo, and he needs Amy to keep him company while Bruce is busy circulating. Considering Amy’s dumb quotient of late, a potted plant is about her speed regarding scintillating conversation and common interests. No doubt it’ll be LUV at first sight, leaving Bruce free to scam on all the girls he wants.

Then we’re onto one of the numerous, unending Avery Cup trial tennis matches. There’s little tension over whether Kristin will win as it’s the middle of the book and there’s no real point in building up the Avery Cup if Kristin isn’t going to be in it at the end. So Kristin wins, but it’s another hard won win and Kristin feels her father and Dorrie are judging her mad tennis skills. She finally has a hissy fit that is almost Jessica worthy.

Then for some reason I’m still not privy to, the story cuts to a choc chip cookie baking contest the twins are having with their Little Sisters. Why it was included in the book I don’t know and probably never will. Although I do know I will never eat cookies baked by Jessica. Nuff said.

That night at dinner, Kristin, Mr Thompson, and Dorrie are discussing, what else?, Kristin’s tennis career. Mr Thompson mentions Kristin’s friendship with Bruce as being a problem because, apparently, Bruce has the power to wreck relationships even when he’s not in the room and they don’t directly involve him. Kristin has a moment of stupid and decides this is the perfect time to bring up Bruce’s big bash. Dorrie finally brings Mr Thompson around to the idea, but the meal ends on a tense note. Kristin spends some time in her room mooning over dear dead mum and if tennis is the life for her. She dithers about whether to go to the party or stay home, the devil on one shoulder and Elizabeth on the other advising her.

After a couple of days, it’s the night of the big bash. Everyone is dressed to the nines except for Kristin, who’s wearing a sundress. This is about the best reason I could come up with to explain Bruce ignoring Kristin for most of the night. He’s all over Amy (maybe he was jealous of the potted palm in the tuxedo), and being the host, he’s enjoying all the attention. I wonder what Bruce does in an SVH book where he’s not featured? It must be a shock to his ever expanding ego. I bet he cries into 1bruce1’s leather upholstery at night. Anyway Kristin bemoans the fact Bruce doesn’t care about her to anyone that’ll listen, and everybody’s like where were you for the last 52 books. There’s not much sympathy. Kristin sees the light, and goes home early to prepare for the big tennis match tomorrow. While 1bruce1 sits in the Patman garage, holding a wilted rose, thinking ‘She didn’t even talk to me.’ Aww.

But Kristin doesn’t sleep well, and the next day she messes up in the final qualifying tennis match. She won’t go on to play in the Avery Cup after all. She’s understandably upset, and later that night at dinner, she can’t face Mr Thompson and Dorrie, and runs off to her room in tears. Mostly, she can’t believe “she had actually jeopardized today’s match by going to Bruce’s ridiculous party the night before.” Hey Kristin, it could have been worse--you could have been jeopardizing your career over Amy. Now there’s a humiliation one could definitely not live down. Dorrie gives Kristin a patented Sweet Valley talking to, the kind that solves your problems all in one go, requiring very little effort.

But Kristin still can’t face her dad, and rushes off early to school the next day. She spots Bruce hanging out with some other seniors, and tries to avoid him. Since Bruce’s biological imperative is not to procreate but to ensure everyone everywhere has their sole attention on him at all times, Bruce just has to find out why Kristin’s ignoring him. Kristin tries to blow Bruce off, but he’s not having any of that. He grabs her arm and Kristin turns on him angrily, saying that he completely ignored her at his big bash and never turns up to her important tennis matches. “If you worried about anyone even half as much as you worry about yourself, you would have remembered that.” And then Kristin storms off. Game, set, and match, I say. Kristin, you don’t need the Avery Cup, you proved yourself a winner right here.

Kristin meets her Little Sister, Emily, after school. Emily’s upset as she failed the try-outs for tennis camp. She thinks she’s such a failure that Kristin won’t want to be her Big Sister anymore. Kristin explains that she’ll love Emily no matter how good or bad she is at tennis. Then the penny drops and Kristin realises her father and Dorrie feel just the same way about her. So even though Kristin lost the chance at the Avery Cup, she vows to work really hard and be the best she can. She tells this to Emily, and also promises to help the little girl with her tennis game so she can make the tennis camp next year. After Kristin’s intelligent and thought provoking revelations and advice, I think she needs to be Jessica’s Big Sister. Fire Liz immediately!

Oddly enough, the book doesn’t end there. We cut to another day, and the Sweet Valley gang is in English class. Mr Collins brings up the plot for the next SVH book, something about a Samaritan sponsored essay contest, the topic being ‘Sweet Valley in the Year Two Thousand.’ If the topic was ‘Sweet Valley in the Year 2008,’ I’d enter for sure: Sweet Valley in the Year 2008 has no 1bruce1, no Dairi Burger, Elizabeth has an online blog, and Tricia’s dad is an addict instead of being a drunk. Do I win? After class, Elizabeth asks Kristin to come to a party she’s holding for the participants of the Big Sister program.

Later, Kristin, Mr Thompson, and Dorrie are having dinner when Kristin receives a phone call. The girl who won the final qualifying round for the Avery Cup (who’s now on the pro team) has injured herself, and Kristin is offered her place on the pro team. Kristin is overjoyed and she accepts. I love how in Sweet Valley you can completely fail and still get what you want. I’m moving there. Over at Casa Wakefield, Elizabeth and Enid are sorting out details for the Big Sister party. Enid calls Emily with an invite, and is told how Kristin fell ass-backwards into tennis success. “Kristin is the best big sister in the whole world,” Emily tells Enid. You know, when someone makes a ‘best sister in the whole world’ comment and it isn’t coming from the lips of a sociopath, well, it actually rings true. Then Enid and Emily make sneaky, sneaky plans for everyone to attend the Avery Cup and support Kristin. I think that’s about as evil as Enid gets.

On the day of the Avery Cup, Kristin is preparing with her new coach, Nick. She’s psyched when she see the whole Sweet Valley gang is in the stands cheering her on. Even 1bruce1 is watching from the parking lot with a little ‘Go! Kristin’ flag hanging from his radio antenna. And 1bruce1 thought he’d never love again after Regina. This is the first tennis match where Kristin is confident, and she wipes the floor with her opponent, winning. Afterwards, little Emily runs over and Kristin scoops her up in her arms for a hug. Somewhere in Sweet Valley, Mr Collins is wondering why can’t he hug young girls like that without people being suspicious. Oh, Mr Collins…Later on, Kristin and Mr Thompson sort out the remainder of their problems, and Mr Thompson reveals he’s now in a relationship with Dorrie. Aww…

The next day, Bruce stores his dignity in his locker and then runs up to Kristin and asks if she’ll please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please go out with him. Kristin gives him a nice little burn by saying no thanks, since she’s so busy with the pro team, she only has time for her friends. Kristin notes, “Just for the record, you ought to try getting serious about something. It might be nice for a change.” Hey Kristin, he’s serious about 1bruce1. Don’t you dare diss their relationship. Anyway, Kristin walks off thinking life’s so good, she doesn’t mind waiting for the right guy. I’m shocked that we end the book with the main character feeling confident enough in herself to get along without a guy. Won’t she be ostracised by the Sweet Valley gang and run out of town with them waving flaming sticks at her? I’m confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending? Well, 1bruce1 tells me, ‘it’s an ending, that’s enough.’ Which is good enough for me.

In the next Sweet Valley High book, will Jesus pull a power play and keep Liz out of OMG, will TheTodd acquire Freddy Krueger’s power and punch people in their dreams, will Bruce and his trusty sidekick 1bruce1 foil the dastardly plan of some 80s stylin’ villains and rescue a group of paper cups held hostage in a warehouse somewhere? The hair, the ego, the fast car…Bruce Patman, a lone crusader in a dangerous world. The world of…Knight Rider…(just kidding). In SVH #54 Two-Boy Weekend, will A.J. win the Samaritan essay contest and be crowned king of the Citizen’s Day Ball, making Jessica his queen? Read on and find out. And pat yourself on the shoulder for surviving my numerous references to The Simpsons episode ‘Tennis the Menace.’

Oh, and this weeks nomination for the Darwin Award: Mr Thompson for telling Kristin she needs to eat more vegetables while she’s scarfing down a salad.

(And thanks to rhitroadkill. I went searching for the cover of #53 online and the only usable image I could find linked back to this community and the first SVH #53 recap.)

SVH #57 Teacher Crush; or To Sir, With Love (recap)

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 01:11:33 GMT

“I am sick of your foul language, your crude behaviour, and your sluttish manner.” --To Sir, With Love

Okay, this week I go where Sidney Poitier fears to tread. A bunch of class cutting, sanitary napkin burning, East End hoods have nothing on the sweet valley gang. In this book Jessica pretty much lays off Elizabeth, who puts her doormat in storage. I kind of miss Jessica screwing over Liz for whatever cardboard cutout hunk happens to mosey along at the time. When Jessica was dating Bruce you just knew she would have pulled a Karla and Paul Bernardo on her precious sister if he asked. Anything to please her man. (Oh, and poor Jeffy doesn’t realise it’s only a book or two until his execution date). But I digress.

The book begins with our favourite sociopath Jessica sitting with the gang at lunch, musing about the two week mini-courses which are about to start at Sweet Valley High. SVH has taken a page from The Baby-Sitter Club, and have devised exotically named classes which happen over the course of one book and then are never mentioned ever again. Which is just a thinly veiled excuse to throw a new teacher into the works without ever having to follow up with his character in later books and pesky things like characterisation and realism. Lila is taking Dress Design; Elizabeth, Enid, and Olivia are taking Painting, Jeffy is taking Electronics, and Jessica can’t make up her mind. Lila jokes that Jessica should teach a class called “boys and dating.” And Amy decides to get her bitch on and idly murmurs, if it’s Jessica then it would be called “advanced boys and dating.” Burn! Well, I say, if the slut fits…Lila yadda yaddas about how her dad is dating some Hollywood star. Then the gang splits up to go to classes where they don’t ever seem to do anything but write crude euphemisms about Nora Dalton on the blackboard.

(insert the classic twinsperfectsizesixmatchingblondhairandblueeyes intro passage, pause to pinch yourself and wake up, and continue)

In this book Elizabeth seems to only exist in three places (Case Wakefield, the art classroom, and the Oracle offices) at any one time. Jeffrey spins the Where Is Elizabeth wheel, grabs a plush toy prize, and goes to find her at the Oracle. In between their PG smoochiness, they fail to realise they only rate a mention in chapter one in order to introduce Olivia into the plot. Enter Olivia (insert freespiritfrizzyhairweirdoclothes passage). Olivia proceeds to monopolise pages of the book wailing why, why doesn’t she have a boyfriend *cough friendofElizabeth cough* Somehow Olivia segues into a comment about Sweet Valley’s teenage coupledom being like Noah’s Arc. Like God would even bother to save Sweet Valley’s gene pool if waters ever started to rise. Still hmm, two of everything, you say:
Perfect size six's: Jess and Liz
Bitches: Amy and Lila
Riches: Bruce and Lila
Nerds: Enid and Lois
In the closet duo: Tom McKay and Jeffrey
Inept parents: Ned and Alice
Overly attentive males: Mr Collins and Steven
Boob-grabbers: Bruce and Scott Daniels
Boobs: Jess’s leftie and Liz’s rightie
Hot as hell psychotics: Suzanne and Margo
Cars: 1bruce1 and a lime green Triumph
...I could go on forever.

Later, Elizabeth trips over what she mistakes for her shadow, then notices Enid. They fail to realise, like everyone else in this book, that all they talk about is Olivia. Oh, for an instance of subtle plotting. Oh poor Olivia, no boyfriend, no existence, she may as well find a quarter and head for the nearest suicide booth. Somewhere out in the world Germaine Greer is crying over Sweet Valley women. Out the front of school they see Olivia, but all Olivia can see are the teenage couples. The gang heads inside to find out what mini-course they got into.

Everyone pretty much gets what they want…except Jessica shock horror. I though this series was based on the degenerate sociopath getting what she wants whenever she wants. She’s stuck in the electronics class. What ever will her poor addled brain come up with for a class project? Amy, in the rare instance where the lights were on and somebody was home, suggests (while looking directly at Lila) “Maybe Jessica can make one of those electronic devices that beep if you try to leave a store without having the tag removed from your purchase.” Snap! Someone's been eating her wheaties. Amy, you make me love you in a way that sometimes two women do that isn’t sanctioned by the church. Then all the girls pause to drool at the hottie hotness of the new painting teacher, Mr Call Me Stuart (Bachman).

In the first art class, Olivia is obsessed with Stuart. And Elizabeth and Enid, lacking any in depth characterisation, are obsessed with whatever Olivia is doing. They have cornered the market on ‘knowing looks’ and will make a million before the year is out. While in the electronics workshop, Jessica is reacting to all the nerds populating the class like Kate Capshaw did in the creepy crawly bug tomb in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Ah, that Jess, she’s all class. She wants to quit her electronics course because her partner, Randy Mason, is shorter than her and wears a calculator in his back pocket. And he has the indecency not to check-out her rack. It’s almost enough to make her cry. Yep. I shit you not. Although, just like Jessica Rabbit, maybe Jess isn’t such a bad person, she’s just written that way.

Olivia’s in LUV and proceeds to dog Stuart’s every step. Every Breath You Take is number 1 song on her Ipod and still she doesn’t get the irony. She dresses stylishly to please him (while Jessica and Lila have mini strokes that Liv has gone from Weirdo to Wow), buys the art magazines he likes, and talks about him to everyone. She helps him out before, during, and after art class. And just don’t ask me what she was helping him out with when he went to the men’s room to take a piss. Her dizzyheadedness over her teacher is enough to bring Caroline Pearce out of GossipGirl retirement. Caroline extricates the phone book she keeps tucked up in the ole ‘gina for emergencies, and tells half the country what a geek Olivia is. Elizabeth and Enid, who’s mantra is ‘Olivia acts, therefore we are’ are never further away than a meaningful eye contact. In fact, when Enid gives out some meaningful eye contact behind Elizabeth’s back, I imagine there will be hell to pay. This goes on for quite a few chapters.

St Elizabeth’s concern has gone all stalker-esque, and Olivia’s just plain gone stalker. She follows Stuart from there to here, from here to there, Olivia is every-bloody-where. All day and night, from right to left and left to right, she walked all night from near to far, by the light of the moon and the light of the star*. It's just...what happened to Olivia, seriously? Remember the early books where she wasn't just defined as Liz's weirdo friend, where she rocked the bohemian look, and where she had that boyfriend Roger and that was cool but being with a guy didn't consume her every waking moment? I mean, I gave Olivia so many points for mutually breaking up with Roger a few books back in such a non-Jessica style (no ill timed deaths) and in such a non-Elizabeth style (no multi-book drawn out inner monologues about 'should I be with TheTodd or should I be with Jeffy'). Olivia and Roger just sat down, and in an adult manner realised this relationship wasn't working out. Cool. Way to hack the arms and legs (and brain) off a pretty workable character, ghostwriter-of-the-week. (By the by, where is Roger these days? Considering he's blocking Bruce’s way to the Patman fortune, I think he smartly got the hell out of dodge.)

Before long Olivia’s scrawling Stuart Bachman’s name ten feet tall on walls and noting that his maturity’s taken her from crayons to perfume. She’s scammed Stuart’s home address and phone number, phones his answering machine just to hear his voice, and has stuck his picture up in her room. She blows off her work at the Oracle, and when Elizabeth tries to talk to her about it, she cock blocks (vagina blocks?) Elizabeth before she can speak. Meanwhile Jessica is just as tired of the Lila’s daddy dating a Hollywood star subplot as I am, and comes up with a way to shut Lila down and complete her electronics project at the same time: make a lie detector.

Olivia goes into a mild conniption at the thought of being away from Stuart for the weekend, and in a Jessica worthy move, worms her way into spending some ‘private’ time with him on Monday after school. Somewhere out there Mr Collins is giving Stuart a mental high-five. But even this isn’t enough, and on Saturday she nips over to his apartment for a bit of pre-breakfast stalking. Jessica has her own boundary issues, and after a few bats of her eyelashes, she has Randy Mason doing her electronics project for her. Why is it when I bat my eyelashes at guys, they don’t think I’m cute, but wonder if I have a neurological condition?

At the ‘private’ meeting on Monday, Olivia and Stuart spend the time at Riverside Art Academy, while he gives a speech. Then Stuart takes her shopping and Liv thinks this is The Best Date Ever. Uh, sure…He’s trying to pick out a present for a ‘very, special person’ and since Olivia’s birthday’s coming up, she just about has an orgasm right in the store, thinking the present is for her. Later on, Rod Sullivan calls Olivia at home, and she’s like ‘Rod who?’ I feel the same way. I’ve never heard of Rod Sullivan. The next day at school, he asks her to go to the movies, but she says she’ll be too busy picking china patterns for her and Stuart’s wedding in her head.

"Was this what falling in love was supposed to feel like, Olivia wondered." No, this is what soon you'll be slapped with a restraining order feels like, Liv. Well, at least she isn’t writing bad 60s stylin’ pop songs for him like Lulu. Olivia's so filled with the lust and thoughts of the sex and flustered about it all that she needs her mum to tell her how great she is (since no one else will). But I take points off for her mum's speech, because her mum had obviously been watching The Simpsons that day and had gotten her material from an episode--
Mr Burns: I specifically asked no geeks!
Milhouse: My mum thinks I'm cool.
Yeah, her mum thinks she’s a “great girl.” Don’t all mums do? Her mum finishes off with by noting she won’t plan anything big for Olivia’s birthday, if that’s what Olivia wants winkwink.

This is because Olivia thinks Stuart has something special planned for her birthday, especially after he invites her to his new art exhibition which is on the day of her birthday. The only thing she’s worried about is the wedding dress won’t be ready on time. All the while Olivia’s mum is planning her a surprise birthday party, and secretly inviting everyone (although, when phoning the twins she says she’ll probably cancel everything if the twins can’t come). Also, Olivia’s mum asks Elizabeth if she should invite Rod Sullivan, because naturally, she has no ability to mother a teenage girl unless Liz is right there beside her with a helping hand.

The Clumsiest Plot Device award goes to the scene where Lila is shopping/gossiping with Jessica and Amy. Lila goes into a sewing supplies store (WTF?!!?!) and overhears Winston’s mum, Mrs Egbert, talking about how TheTodd and his family are moving back to Sweet Valley. Yeah, that was subtle. Lila decides to keep the secret to herself and torture Jessica while chanting ‘I know something you don‘t know.’ That Lila’s just got class oozing from every orifice. Since she’s failing her clothes designing course because her sewing skills have mangled the dress she designed (and since Jessica conveniently owns a dress that matches Lila’s pattern exactly), Lila offers Jessica a trade: Jessica’s dress for Lila’s secret. Now Lila won’t have to wear her monstrosity in the runway show that is a part of the end-of-the-week in-school exhibition which is showing what the student learned in their mini-courses.

On the day of the exhibition, everyone is showing off their mini-course projects. Everyone worships at the alter of Lila and ‘her’ exquisite dress. Lila is especially happy as she nabbed Jessica’s dress that morning, but the bell rang before she had to divulge her secret. Jessica is a surprise hit with ‘her’ lie detector, giving Randy no credit for what is basically his project. After 56 books, why am I not surprised…*stupidstupidme* People are lined up to use it. But Jessica finally snares Lila into trying it, and thankfully, the Liladaddyhollywoodstarlet subplot is brought to a close. Lila’s bragging was true, her daddy is really dating a…blahblahblah. Jessica is shocked, we don’t care, enough already.

Olivia gets roped into trying the lie detector, and everyone shouts out to ask her about Stuart. She is annoyed her personal business has become public property (what a shocker, this is Sweet Valley after all). Her mild tizzy goes epic when she accuses Elizabeth of telling everyone about her and Stuart. Well, Olivia must have put on her dumb hat when leaving for school that morning, as Caroline Pearce is standing next to Elizabeth when Olivia goes into her rant. Then Olivia does what any self respecting teenage girl on a verbal bender does, she storms off in a huff looking like a two year old with a leaky nappy. Enid goes over to assure Elizabeth that Liz’s perfect and probably god incarnate and it was all Olivia’s fault anyway. Elizabeth adjusts her halo and say ‘I know.’

Outside it takes a while for Olivia to calm down. “She tried to tell herself it didn’t matter. After all…” by tonight she and Stuart would probably be in Barbados making babies in that non-sexual way the Sweet Valleyites have perfected. Olivia drives to Stuart’s art exhibition. When she arrives, a waiter offers her a “wine or seltzer?” Obviously, he doesn’t know she’s a Sweet Valley High student or he’d realise just one glass of the hard stuff would lead her down a rabbit hole with a totalled car and a dead friend at the other end. Olivia’s opts for a seltzer. Smart girl.

Olivia spots Stuart and is about to go squee! when a random blond woman possessively slips her arm through Stuart’s. Oh noes! What will happen to her shower-nozzle masturbation fantasies now it turns out Stuart is spoken for? Stuart’s girlfriend’s name is Monica, and she draws Olivia into a group of her friends to show off Stuart’s star pupil. They treat Olivia as though she is a cute, little pet: ‘“She’s adorable. Stuart was so sweet to invite her.” She makes it sound as though I’m in kindergarten, Olivia fumed…’ I can sympathise. At any notable functions, the guests treat me the same way when they find out I still read SVH. To make matters even worse Monica has the same birthday as Olivia, and the present Olivia and Stuart picked out when shopping was intended for Monica and not poor old Liv after all. This is Dear Diary material, and Olivia can’t wait to escape, run home, and cry.

Before she can run off, Stuart draws her aside and says he has a special surprise for her. He tells her “Whenever you feel that you're alone and there's nobody you can rely on, this is all you need to know.” Then he hands her a note that reads: You are Olivia Davidson. Just kidding, I seem to be channelling The Simpsons. Stuart has taken Olivia’s painting, her mini-course project, and has hung it in his art exhibition. Everyone thinks it’s hot stuff and Olivia gets to squee! after all. And because there’s only ten pages left in the book, she decides she’s over Stuart, and Monica can slip her arm through Stuart’s all she wants (maybe this is how babies are made in Sweet Valley. Lord knows, no one’s having the sex).

Olivia goes to Elizabeth’s house because, of course, a SVH book can’t end without Liz giving her 2 cents. Olivia has “learned a real lesson,” which she’ll proceed to forget for the remainder of the series. Then she goes home to what she assumes will be an empty house. SURPRISE!!!! 237 high school students clamber out from a living room closet and it’s party time. It’s a pity the Sweet Valley parties don’t look as fun as the ones at the end of every episode of Strangers With Candy. SVH really needs a Jerri Blank in their junior year. Olivia sheds a happy tear and is thrust into the arms of Rod Sullivan, who we'll probably never see in the SV series again. Olivia’s boyfriend problems are over, and Noah will now let her onto the Sweet Valley Arc.

Yay! All is well with the world. I have the will to live again.

There’s a few pages at the end where Jessica is showing off her lie detector and Elizabeth decides to give it a try. Lila decides this is the perfect time to reveal her secret knowledge that TheTodd is returning to Sweet Valley, and asks Elizabeth what she thinks about this juicy titbit of information. Elizabeth is understandably shocked and rushes off to moon over this revelation for the next few books. Read #58 Brokenhearted to see when Jeffrey becomes “Jeffy in the Road.”

Oh, and this weeks nomination for the Darwin Award: Lila for choosing to be in the clothing design course where she sewed the darts in backwards (or outside or upside down or something) on her dress and clean cut the hem off, when she could have just bought a million dresses on her daddy's credit card. I can just imagine Lila at home after a hard day at school, playing in her daddy’s money pile like Scrooge McDuck, a mound of money reaching clear to the ceiling. Whee!

* Got to give a shout out to Dr Seuss, who’s prose I used so eloquently to describe Olivia’s rampage after Stuart…now there’s a thought, Dr Seuss ghostwrites SVH.

And now I must toddle off into the foggy London afternoon, humming “If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters, that would soar a thousand feet high, to Sir, with love…”

Sweet Valley High #57 Teacher Crush; or To Sir, With Love

Sun, 01 Jun 2008 17:34:55 GMT

Sweet Valley High #57 Teacher Crush; or To Sir, With Love

“I am sick of your foul language, your crude behaviour, and your sluttish manner.” --To Sir, With Love

Okay, this week I go where Sidney Poitier fears to tread. A bunch of class cutting, sanitary napkin burning, East End hoods have nothing on the sweet valley gang. I wrecked my read-the-SVH-books-in-order schedule cause I remember #57 as being so good. To start with: Olivia, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahclunk...excuse me, I fell off my chair. I shouldn't be so mean. Probably every girl in the world has had an inappropriate teacher crush. I know I did (and thank god no one ever found out). It's just...what happened to Olivia, seriously? Remember the early books where she wasn't just defined as Liz's weirdo friend, where she rocked the bohemian look, where she had that boyfriend Roger and that was cool but being with a guy didn't consume her every waking moment. I mean, I gave Olivia so many points for mutually breaking up with Roger a few books back in such a non-Jessica style (no ill timed deaths) and in such a non-Elizabeth style (no multi-book drawn out inner monologues about 'should I be with TheTodd or should I be with Jeffy in the Road' Zzzzzzzz). Olivia and Roger just sat down, and in an adult manner realised this relationship wasn't working out. Cool. (By the way, where is Roger these days? Considering he's blocking Bruce’s way to the Patman fortune, I think he smartly got the hell out of dodge.) Now we have this girl who can't see the forest for the men in trees. Way to hack the arms and legs (and brain) off a pretty workable character, ghostwriter-of-the-week.

“I know what’s bothering you! You fancy him!” --To Sir, With Love

Before long Olivia’s scrawling Stuart Bachman’s name ten feet tall on walls and noting that his maturity’s taken her from crayons to perfume. Her dizzyheadedness over her teacher is enough to bring Caroline out of GossipGirl retirement, as she runs around telling half the country what a geek Olivia is. Thank god Caroline doesn't know Olivia's been driving past the teacher's apartment day and night, and has been calling him religiously just to hear his voice on the answering machine. "Was this what falling in love was supposed to feel like, Olivia wondered." No, this is what soon you'll be slapped with a restraining order feels like, Liv. Well, at least she isn’t writing bad 60s stylin’ pop songs for him. That would just get you sent to the funny farm…or maybe it would get you a Grammy, I don’t know.

“There are certain things a decent woman keeps private, and only a filthy slut would have done this and those who stood by and encouraged her are just as bad.” --To Sir, With Love

Olivia's so filled with the lust and thoughts of the sex and flustered about it all that she needs her mum to tell her how great she is (since no one else will). But I take points off for her mum's speech, because her mum had obviously been watching The Simpsons that day and had gotten her material from that episode--
Mr Burns: I specifically asked no geeks!
Milhouse: My mum thinks I'm cool.
But in that wonderful Sweet Valley way, all tensions are resolved when Olivia (almost) makes a fool of herself at Stuart’s art exhibition, has a cry, gets over it, goes home to a surprise birthday party, and is thrust into the arms of a random cardboard cut-out hottie, Rod, who we'll probably never see in the SV series again.

Yay! All is well with the world. I have the will to live again.

Points of interest:
*Amy is a God! in this book. She gives the verbal smackdown without missing a stride. When Lila suggests Jessica should head a course called 'boys and dating', Amy murmurs that it should be called 'advanced boys and dating.' Well, if the slut fits. Also, Jessica has trouble coming up for a project for her electronics class, and Amy suggests (while looking at Lila) that she should make a electronic device that attaches to clothes and beeps when someone tries to leave the store without paying. Snap! Someone's been eating her wheaties. Amy's dumb quotient is at an all time low.

* Liz is pissed. Enid's been giving out meaningful eye-contact behind her back. Check page 40/41 for the offending incident.

*Jess wants to quit her electronics course because her partner's shorter than her and wears a calculator in his back pocket. And he has the indecency not to check-out her rack. It’s almost enough to make her cry. Yep. Although, just like Jessica Rabbit, maybe Jess isn’t such a bad person, she’s just written that way. “Oh, blame not the bard…” This time I think I will.

*Olivia looks like Julianna Margulies on the cover of the book. Since the book was written in 1989, and ER didn't start until 1994, all I have to say is creeeeepy...

*Olivia mentions that Sweet Valley High reminds her off Noah's Ark. Hmm, two of everything, you say:
Perfect size six's: Jess and Liz
Bitches: Amy and Lila
Riches: Bruce and Lila
Nerds: Enid and Lois
In the closet duo: Tom McKay and Jeffrey
Inept parents: Ned and Alice
Overly attentive males: Mr Collins and Steven
Boob-grabbers: Bruce and (? help me out here)
Boobs: Jess’s leftie and Liz’s rightie
Psychotics who hide it under a pretty exterior: Suzanne and Margo
Cars: 1bruce1 and a lime green Triumph
...I could go on forever.

*At Stuart’s art exhibition, all his friends treat Olivia as though she is a cute, little pet:
“‘She’s adorable. Stuart was so sweet to invite her.’
She makes it sound as though I’m in kindergarten, Olivia fumed…”
I can sympathise. At any notable functions, the guests treat me the same way when they find out I still read SVH.

*And this weeks nomination for the Darwin Award: Lila for choosing to be in the clothing design course where she sewed the darts in backwards (or outside or upside down or something) on her dress and clean cut the hem off, when she could have just bought a million dresses on her daddy's credit card.

And (seriously, you guys) I really liked this book. It is one that had always stuck in my memory. I rate it up there with the first 30 SVH books. Although the Olivia plot was a little dull, I loved the descriptions of the two week courses and everybody else's plots. Plus, best shock ending ever: Liz puts on the lie detector and is asked how she feels about Todd coming back to town. I always wished they added in a bit about how Jeffy in the Road ran away and cried. Oh well.

In the next SVH book, Jess has a crush on the new student, Mike Hunt, and doesn’t understand why people giggle when she brings him up in conversation. “But I really like Mike Hunt,” she uttered, breaking down in tears to the laughter around her.

And now I must toddle off into the foggy London afternoon, humming “If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters, that would soar a thousand feet high, to Sir…”

Sweet Valley, urban style

Tue, 27 May 2008 14:26:39 GMT

I came across this website http://www.urbandictionary.com/ during my online wanderings and found a lot of the entries seems to correspond with the characters from SVH. Creepy, funny, whatever. Look up the character names and find out for yourself.

Jessica
“The act of sleeping with muliple amount of male species; can also mean saying "I love you" after two weeks of dating.”
And “see mindslut (also a professional relationship destroyer)”

Jessicaism
“Anything that Jessica says or does that cannot be explained reasonably.”

Liz
“The act of writing in much too wordy a fashion.”

Wakefield
“Wakefields assume everyone is amused by them and can't resist their charm…Usually found in places where alcohol and various amounts of illegal narcotics are consumed. Will generally be found using cheesy pick-up lines to pick up members of the opposite sex.”

Amy
“Dumb blonde who think she has many friends but really just imagines it since she’s so light headed.”
and “The act of intruding a conversation without invitation.”
and “Of exhibiting, or afflicted with insanity.”

Amyese
“A crummy comeback that makes no sense in any language.”

Sluttony
“The combination of sloth and gluttony.”

Alexandra
“Performs risky and unsafe acts whilst under the influence of alcohol.”

Enid
“A disaffected nerdy-but-stylin' girl with a slightly retro fashion-sense…Marcie from Peanuts and Velma from Scooby Doo can be considered precursors to the Enid archetype.”

Jeffy
“A lovable harmless goof, you can control, and who is at the mercy of your whims, who is available to you…emotionally and financially, at any moment of the day.”

Jeffy in the Road
“The guy, who has an outstanding relationship with a girl, who you must bump out of the way to get with her.”

Caroline
“To betray your friends.”

Jeffed
“A word to describe somebody who thinks they are cool but are not.”

Winston
“One who…proceeds to act drunk and/or stoned in order to get a couple laughs out of people.”

Todd
“Another way to describe a theoretical boner.”

Steve and the twins
“Male genetalia.”

Bruce Factor
“The reason a drunk person may decide to climb onto a parked car, fall off, knock himself unconcious and be taken to a local hospital by Ambulance. He will also have his shoes confiscated by the Police.”

Steveism
“To do something brilliant, rather by innate capability or by some stupid coincidence of luck.”

Tricia
“An unattractive brunette who only thinks they look good.”

Francine
“To be a Francine, one usually must make a dumb or glaringly obvious suggestion.”

43 Things I Learned From The Baby-Sitters Club

Tue, 27 May 2008 11:53:33 GMT

This list was fuelled by part snark, part love of the BSC, and part caffeine.

1 For Kristy, the Look is never having to say you’re angry

2 Cladia kant spel, but shes relly, rely inteligant. Relly!

3 If you can fill out the top of a bikini nicely then you’ll never have any problems in life

4 If you don’t have at least two children then you are doing something wrong (have you been checked by a doctor? I hear the Pike’s have a good one, or the Brewers, try them.)

5 Casually throw the phrases ‘dibbly fresh’ and ’chilly’ into everyday conversation and the cool kids who smoke behind the bike sheds at lunch will think you’re cool. Or mental.

6 Casually throw the phrase ‘dibbly fresh’ and ’chilly’ into everyday conversation and the adults around you may seriously think you are brain damaged.

7 Don’t let Hodges Soileau paint your family portrait or you may end up looking like a man or a munchkin from the Wizard of Oz

8 ‘Hopefully’ is one of the most commonly misused words in the English language

9 A ghostwriter is worth a 1000 words, actually about 22,000 words

10 Jessi may--in fact--be black…maybe.

11 Three words: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize

12 Logan Bruno seems like Patrick Dempsey in ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ when you are a ten year old. Logan Bruno seems like Patrick Bergin in ‘Sleeping With the Enemy’ when you are a thirty year old.

13 If you are a diabetic and even smell chocolate you will go into a diabetic coma and die

14 If you are asthmatic you will be Jewish and kooky

15 If have a big nose and obscenely weird hair you will be Mallory

16 If you are racist Jessi will be right by your side to tell you that you are. If someone else is racist Jessi will be right by the phone to call you to tell you that they are

17 There are so many children in Stoneybrook it is a veritable children of the corn situation…

18 …despite that, BSC book #132 ‘Kristy and the Children of the Corn’ will never be released for public consumption

19 If there really was an old woman who lived in a shoe the BSC would fix all her and her children’s problems in the span of one book, maybe two. Just don’t get Claudia to write down directions to the place or it’ll read: Thair was an old womann who lived in a shue

20 The BSC will do it anywhere, anytime, for only three dollars an hour…

21 …get your mind out of the gutter, I meant baby-sitting

22 If the BSC (always to the rescue) had been in Australia a dingo would have never taken that baby…

23 …same goes for the baby in Trainspotting

24 Like the eighth grade, 80s fashions never ended (witness today’s revival)

25 Abby who?

26 Kristy + Bart = beard

27 I have to stop calling KL 5-3231 when I need a baby-sitter. Claudia does not really live there.

28 The phantom phone calls mostly come at night…mostly.

29 Saying you are sophisticated in your mind does not make you sophisticated in the real world…

30…neither do the multi-coloured leggings or over-sized shirts…

31…ditto the dangly animal themed earrings.

32 No real life holiday will ever live up to the BSC super special holiday .

33 No boyfriend made during the super special will live beyond that super special…

34…barring Quint because he’s just cool.

35 Contractions are your friend (I'm looking at you, Karen)

36 In critiquing this list no person will fail to say ‘That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever read and I’ve read the whole Sweet Valley high series.’ (I’ve gotta give a shout out to Moe Syzlak. I love him, him and his pants that are held up by rope).

I’ll raise a pizza toast to the person who can spot the ‘Aliens’ reference I slipped in there.

Christopher Pike narrative themes

Tue, 27 May 2008 11:38:44 GMT

In this post i'm writing about the Christopher Pike books Witch, Season of Passage, Monster, The Listeners, Scavenger Hunt, and The Last Vampire series.

Pike appears to have at least 2 general types of supernatural themes: 1, the alien based parasite that can only live through a host's body, and over time the parasite in effect transforms the human host into a powerful alien/reptile/vampire/monster, and attempts infect the entire world with the parasitic race; and 2, spiritual beings who have no physical form, and hitch a ride on souls dying or souls being reborn into a physical plain--these spirits, when reborn, exhibit no emotions, immense strength, the ability to transform humans into what they are, and have powerful eyes that can mesmerise others.

Right now these two categories are simplified, but I have an idea that most Pike novels could fit into either category well enough. It's late at night, so I'm too lazy to do this in full, but I'll try a few novels. ‘Witch’ supernatural elements: bloodlines carry the witch’s power, female relatives exhibit this power; most witches have the ability to control others and read other's minds by dominating another's will with their eyes/mind; some witches can heal, with touch; moonlight, sun, and the light from Mars can enhance a witch’s power when she is around water.

So the supernatural elements in ‘Witch’ coincide with the parasite category I've described above. 1, bloodlines carry the witch power, which is similar to The Last Vampire series where, although most of the vampirism was from blood-transfusion, some supernatural elements were given through birth--Seymour was born with ‘seeing’ powers, and Kalika was born from a human but possessed powers. 2, Julia and her Aunt could control people's wills and read other's minds by using the force of their eyes--this seemed a watered-down version of Lauren's power in Season of Passage, the vampire's powers in The Last Vampire series, the sibling’s power in Scavenger Hunt, and the reptile's powers in The Listeners. 3, some witches can heal with their touch--in Monster, Season of Passage, and The Last Vampire series, blood was a wonderful healer for parasites, and there was touching involved as one vampire/monster usually had to hold and feed the hurt vampire/monster the blood in order too heal it. 4, moonlight, sun, and the light from Mars enhanced power when a witch was around water--in Monster, Season of Passage, and The Last Vampire, sunlight was a deterrent, moonlight seemed to represent transcendence, and the light from Mars was over-powering, while pools of water and blood either 'washed' you in innocence or terror, especially in The Last Vampire 5, the Suzama scripture mentioned the child and mother fleeing 'to the mirror in the sky', and in The Last Vampire 1 and 2 Yaksha felt calm when near water.

It could be possible, if you want to read this much into Pike's mythology (and I do), that the Florence family somewhere along the line contracted some of the parasite/vampire-type blood into their gene-pool. The Florence family didn't become fully fledged monsters, but they have a little monster in them. What I found really interesting about the novel Witch, is the family's powers weren't innately 'good'--the powers could be used cruelly, such as Julia mentally hurting the overweight villain in the first convenience store shoot-out. Later she remarks to Jim when at the motel, she feels such 'hatred' and wants to act on it. If the family powers came from the parasite/vampire bloodline, then it's possible the powers could allow the user to be cruel or kind. Anyway, I'm just beginning with this idea. I figure I can tie more novels into it.
___________________________

Now, to lighten the mood, here's a little something for shits & giggles:

One thing that hit me about the novel The Last Vampire was the structure of the novel had a whole noir crime feel. I mean, the high school part lasted what, two chapters? Then there was the mystery/intrigue, the expansive, rich settings intersecting cheap offices with questionable morals and bad lighting. The character triad was very noir, too. Sita, the dark hero, was loved from afar by the geeky Seymour, and fell for the handsome stranger (Ray) when she knows she shouldn't, all while trying to evade past romantic tangles (Yaksha). It reminded me of old Humphrey Bogart movies, like the Maltese Falcon: Bogart is the dark detective, loved from afar by his bookish secretary or his partner's wife, but quickly falling for a mysterious woman too closely related to the villain he is tracking. Patricia Cornwall books are like that: Scarpetta, the hero forging ahead with always two men following, the overweight, downtrodden police detective and the powerful FBI agent. In The Last Vampire, it was odd, but somehow the mythical flashbacks mixed well with the noir.

Funny as hell: there was Sita, in a constant repitition of her 'brilliant' powers, in a scene where her hands and ankles are handcuffed and she's trapped in the limo, considering what she'll do if she can't break the cuffs. "The metal is incredibly hard. I will not be able to break it. But that doesn't mean I can't get around. I can hop, even bound, far more quickly than any mortal can run." Although, she may be able to escape the vehicle and hop away, being the victor of the scene, I couldn't help laughing while imagining someone speedily moving through a field like an Energiser Bunny. I suppose being a victor means nothing if you can't do it without grace.

Sweet Valley High #2 Secrets; or I’ll take my sociopathy with a side of narcissism

Mon, 26 May 2008 19:33:22 GMT

“You are entering the realm which is unusual.” --Futurama

Okay, by book #2 we all know a little about the co-dependent twins and their unhealthy, unhealthy relationship. My old psychology class would have had a field day with them. Actually, they probably would have laughed and laughed at me for bringing up SVH, but I digress. Also, I just noticed there’s no twinsperfectsizesixmatchingblondhairandblueeyes intro. Has the world stopped spinning? Is the sky still blue outside? Did this book come from a Farnsworth Parabox where the twins have mousy brown hair and weigh 400 pounds each? I don’t know. And I was going to do this wonderful babelfish translation of the intro. Maybe next time. I miss the description of the twin’s perfectly slim bodies and how they achieved their thinness through internal parasites.

“There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.”

This one focuses on Enid. She has caught flack on other forums and blogs for being a bore and having bad hair. I felt a little sorry for her...until I read this book. Enid starts off crying because she just realised she’s going to be stuck being besties with Liz for the next ten or so years that Junior year of SVH proves to be. I can just imagine her at home in her room at night: ‘Dear Diary, it’s only book #2, I’m fucked.’ Alex and freshman year can’t come fast enough. At the moment, she is following Liz's example and is a Doormat-in-training. Her whole sense of self worth revolves around being Ronnie's girlfriend. Because in FrancineLand you don’t exist if you don’t have a boyfriend. All I can think is, Francine, you’re making Germaine Greer cry. And Ronnie ain't much of a catch; he's jealous, possessive, and he gets a bit date-rapey when he and Enid drive out to Miller's Point. What is it with SVH boys (Ronnie, Bruce, Suzanne's boyfriend towards Jess in New York) and violently pushing a girl to go to far, yet no one ever thinks badly about them? Gah. I have a feeling that one of them will grow up to be Patrick Bateman (Jess would soooo go out with him). To be fair, there is only one of two ways for a guy to express his love in SV: violently force yourself onto a girl; or talk in a husky voice to her. I guess it beats all that chin tipping going on in the BSC books.

The only interesting aspect of Enid's personality is she used to be wild and quite the druggie...yet she wants no one to know about this. She has no clue. It certainly isn’t her hair that’s keeping all her friends interested. Then in swoops Jess, who is in running with Enid (with a lot of other no-names the ghostwriter doesn’t even bother to mention) for Promiscuity Queen--sorry, Prom Queen. Being that Jess is a myspace attention seeker, she has to win. And so she sneakily tells everyone Enid's secret, which is funny, as no one really cares except for Liz and Ronnie. Still, before you know it, Enid’s looking for the nearest suicide booth to drop a quarter into.

“You have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he actually has a really good body.” --Futurama

Onto Jess, or as I now call her Jessociopath. She keeps the plot rolling by manipulating everyone in her path. The plot is pretty slim pickings except for her actions. At 118 pages, if you removed Jess from the picture, this would have been a 20 page SVH chapbook. How do I compare thee to a sociopath? Let me count the ways…1 She keeps Winston on a string, even though she doesn't like him, because he "might come in handy one of these days." 2 She reads Enid's private mail, then passes it around for others to read also. 3 She lets Liz take the flack for Enid's secret being leaked, and even lies to Liz's face about who did it. Sweet Zombie Jesus! Oh Jess, I love to hate her, and hate that I love her. Yet somehow, all this manipulation goes pear-shaped. Although, since she spends all her time musing on how she looks like Bo Derek, it’s no wonder her harebrained schemes implode like the gravitational collapse of a star. They seemed to be composed entirely of:
Phase 1: Plot to intentionally screw up someone’s life
Phase 2: …
Phase 3: Profit
But then, Jess’s morals are a black hole entirely of themselves. The fact that black holes pull in matter from their environment, well, we have Liz for proof of that: it wouldn’t be Sweet Valley if Jess didn’t drag Liz into one of her monumental pissweak fiascos each book.

Later Liz gets back at Jess. Which is one of the most memorable things about these earlier SVH books when you’re on a nostalgia kick. Liz somehow always turns the tables on Jess by the end of the book and you feel all's right with the world again. Still, Liz's revenge was a little cruel concerning Winston. She's basically using Winston to embarrass Jess. And as much as I like Jess humiliated, I don't think you should use people unwittingly to do it. Winston is like the coolest guy at SVH, leave him alone.

“That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.” --Zap Brannigan

Okay, guys. I, at least, had the good sense not to like Ronnie when I first read this book at age ten. Although, I do admit Bruce intimidated me a bit when I was younger. Now he comes off as Zap Brannigan lovin’, William Shatner singin’ overkill. Todd is blah, but then he's always blah. George is a god. Or maybe he just comes off as that when he’s standing next to drab Eeny. Ken may quite well be mistaken for a mannequin, factoring in how much he appears in this book, yet has little to no dialogue. But Winston is still my favourite. Only someone like Winston could save the day when Liz and Mr Collins were all flummoxed about how to prove Suzanne was satan incarnate. While I’m missing Amy’s boy-crazed batshit insanity, at least I have Bruce to laugh at. Him and has natty little porsche.

Points of interest:

*Funniest moment: On page 2, Jess is dressing for a date with Tom McKay. Oh Jess, you have no idea…

*B-plot of the week: Ms Dalton is youngish and not a total fug, so naturally, she must be having an affair with a student. Gotta love those SVH morals. If you wear your hair loose and flowing down your back, god help you, you are a raging whore. And if you dare to date more than one boy a week like Annie, you may as well be down in Tijuana doing live donkey acts.Where’s Jeri Blank when I need her?

* Liz getting the smackdown from Enid. Love it. Proves Liz's complete doormattishness if she'll let Enid kick her around.

* Alice’s blasé cut-and-paste attitude towards Jess’s little hissy in the kitchen. Either the ghostwriter’s phoning it in or Alice just doesn’t care anymore. After raising Jess for sixteen years, I suspect the latter. Considering she’s facing ten more years of Jess at sixteen, maybe Alice is another candidate for the suicide booth.

*The magical appearance of siblings for both Todd and Enid. Boy, the SV parents like popping them out, then pushing them back in again. Oh, well, they’ll disappear in a few books time. Best not to think about it too carefully, might induce brain failure.

* Liz buts on the bitch hat, when thinking about Jess’s offer to talk to an upset Enid: “‘Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt. Everything is so screwed up now, nothing and no one could possibly make it worse.’ Not even you, she added silently.” Burn!

*best outfit: "Tonight [Dana] was decked out in tight black velvet jeans, a pair of sparkly pink leg warmers, and a purple satin blouse." An outfit after my own fourth grade heart.

*Why is Caroline Pearce in Pi Beta Alpha if no one likes her?

*The dated 'feminist' rhetoric is very amusing, though I'm a little worried it may have warped me growing up. The talk of “A woman doesn’t reach her peak until she’s in her thirties” is positively scandalous compared to Jess’s breast peeking out in book #3. And it’s the most intelligent thing Francine has ever written about women

*This book had great nostalgic value. The pink and yellow cover (with Liz who looks like she's about to eat a Malteser, or maybe she's reacting to Jess's new job as a phone sex operator) is burned into my brain.

“‘The end.’ There. Now they’re trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.” --Futurama

Minor footnote, I did find a passage to babelfish my heart out in:
Trim, tanned Alice Wakefield could easily have been mistaken for the twins’ older sister. They shared the same beautiful all American looks, down to the honey coloured hair…

Japanese translation
Perhaps the trim, Alice Wakefield whom it is sunburned by mistake it was for the sisters where the twins are older easily. They the same it shares in the hair of color of the honey are beautiful all America at first glance,…

Greek translation
The blackened Alice Wakefield could easily have perplexed itself with the older brother of twins. They were shared same the beautiful all American they look at, under in the honey - colored hair…

Spring Fever; or Prince Albert, I’ve A Feeling We’re Not In Sweet Valley Anymore

Mon, 26 May 2008 05:18:18 GMT

“You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you read this book you have no brain; you're confusing brains with YA lit.” --to paraphrase the Wizard of Oz

Okay, in this super edition the twins go to stay at their aunt Em and uncle Henry’s in Kansas for spring break. Cue ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow.’ Considering the twins so rarely leave the confines of Sweet Valley, travelling out of state is akin to going to the merry old land of Oz. There's none of the SVH regulars except for the twins. It’s interesting to see them outside of Sweet Valley. Maybe, without all the bad influences Jess may find a heart. Away from all those SV responsibilities and meaningful glances, will Liz discover she has a spine? And without Jess around, will Amy grow a brain?

Concerning Jess, as it’s like a litmus test of how 'bad' a person she really is without Lila & Co. to influence her. Nature vs. nurture, I imagine. Is Jessica inherently bad (like a bad seed)? Or is she only bad because of who she hangs around, and because her family lets her get away with anything? Cause, as far as I see it, she’s headed straight to jail, or into politics. Although Jess hardly makes it three feet into town before she runs into the Wicked bitch of the West, Annie Sue. Annie Sue is Lila's Mean girls stand-in...imagine if Lila made it with Cletus the slack jawed yokel, and Annie Sue was their love child. All her friends are the little flying monkeys, and naturally, as ciphers none of them receive a single line of dialogue in the book.

“Where do you want to be oiled first?”

Now for romance. Not so much lions and tigers and bears, as yokels, and carnies, and fake twins, oh my. Lets do Jess first. Most racy moments between Jessica and Alex :

'It was such a funny feeling sliding down off the stallion.'
and: '"Come on, Midnight," Jessica whispered to him, pressing his sides gently with her knees. All it took was the slightest pressure, and he doubled his speed.'

Granted, above is only what she got up to with the horse, so you can imagine what happened with Alex. Reading those passages above as a kid, they barely made an impression. Reading them as an adult, I realised I took 'Sweet Valley' to a place it shouldn't go.

Your turn Liz. Alex decides the twins are a two for the price of one type deal. He pretends to be Brad. Hi-jinks ensue until Liz bores me to sleep with her will-I-or-won’t-I cheat on Jeffrey spiel. Maybe she’s practicing for her will-I-or-won’t-I lose my virginity thing in SVU. I don’t know. But her chastity belt’s safely locked on in this book so I suppose she needed something else to worry about. Liz, you’re done. Points for Aunt Shirley, who is helpful with the chastity belt issue. There is the ever present prejudice towards those who aren't as perfect as the twins and their bloodline. A carnival comes into town, which the aunt and uncle plan to attend with the twins. Aunt Shirley is all in a tizzy about the precious Wakefield lineage--"The boys who work at the carnival are known as 'carnies' in local slang...They're not necessarily rough or anything, but they're certainly not the kind of boys either of you two would be interested in. I'm sure you know what I mean." Classy. Still I liked the one-shot romances the twins had, which never dragged on like Liz and Todd's epic love. Zzzzzz.

The Walkers may have been jittery where teenage girls were concerned, but they had a firm hand with what was acceptable and what wasn’t. I can’t help but wonder how the Wakefield twins may have turned out if the Walker’s had raised them. Jessica might even have a soul. The boyfriend death rate would surely be down, which is a plus considering America’s death statistics today. And Jess could have trained Annie Sue to be the perfect Lila clone; in SVH rich girls are interchangeable. And any random tumbleweed could have stood in for Amy (and would have had more brains rattling about, too). But then there’s the whole ‘no carnies for you’ rule which has got to be a kicker. Don’t we all need a healthy dose of carny lovin’ every once in a while. And poor Jessy’s bikini top would never have been undone by Bruce, resulting in less *scandalmeantionofherbreastscandal* so…

“A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.”
--Wizard of Oz (fits Jess to a T)

And surprisingly Jess wasn’t much of a witch (with a b) in this book. Good for her, as I get the feeling if someone ran up and threw a bucket of water at Jess, she’d mostly likely fall to the ground screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting.” And sadly, these are the things I ponder at 3am in the morning.

We have another case of the Amazing Disappearing Sibling (think Todd's is it a brother, is it a sister, is the younger sibling even there anymore after book 20 type thing). Annie Sue has a sister who appears for a whole chapter. After that maybe the sister crawled back into her mother's womb because Annie Sue notes near the end that she was being so mean to the twins because "I guess I've grown up kind of spoiled. I'm an only child..." Then three pages later the sister reappears. Magic.

“Pay no attention to that ghostwriter behind the curtain.”

On a random note, don’t you think Francine Pascal would make the perfect Wizard of Oz? Her name on the cover of all the SV books, just as the wizards face is on the city of Oz, yet behind the curtain toils the little ghostwriter, putting his words into in the Wizard’s/Francine’s mouth for all to hear, ignoring us readers while we all shout, “What about the heart you promised Jessica? What about the brain you promised Amy? What about the spine you promised Elizabeth?”

I can just imagine Amy at the end of #75 Amy’s True Love after her visit with the Wizard/Francine, toddling off and noting “The sum of the square root of any two guys questioning their sexuality is equal to me remaining on the sideline. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!”

And now I wander off into the early morning muttering ‘I do believe in a perfect size six, I do believe in a perfect size six, I do, I do, I do.’

(and you win a kiss from Jess if you can guess how many Wizard of Oz quotes I slipped into this article)

Why Sweet Valley High Has Warped Me In Today’s World

Sun, 25 May 2008 15:06:33 GMT

Why SVH Has Warped Me In Today’s World

1. I, in fact, was eating a chocolate bar when reading the scene where Robin is nervous and thus eats a chocolate bar. I was eating some cake when reading the scene where Robin is excited and thus eats and entire cake (my cake was a slice of birthday cake, but still). After that I saw the light, and began to jog laps on the local high school track. Three days later, I was still pretty much the same weight and no one wanted to crown me queen of a beauty pageant. This whole experiment ended with me eating several Big Macs while reading the scene where Robin is eating a salad.

2. Unfortunately, my annoying little brother hasn’t disappeared (fingers crossed).

3. I took off my glasses, took down my hair, and got rid of my baggy clothes…but I was still pretty fugly.

4. I kissed a different boy every week, but the only thing I have to show for it is topical cream I have to apply three times a day.

5. So instead I tried being monogamous with a boy for several years while refusing to put out, but all I have to show for it is whispers behind my back that I’m his ‘beard’.

6. I was once kidnapped once for several days, and was not once offered pancakes!

7. I will never again be fooled into going somewhere with someone who promises they only want to sniff my hair.

8. I’m the perfect size 12.

9. Life is much easier when you have a twin to blame all your bad deeds on…better yet, an evil twin.

10. I once drank a glass of wine and was surprised to find the next morning that I hadn’t killed anyone or had become an alcoholic.

11. I once agonised over whether to lose my virginity for several months in freshman year and was surprised to find no one cared.

12. I once admitted to not liking the Wakefield twins and was not immediately struck dead on the spot.

13. Making meaningful eye contact with someone leads them to think I am a stalker, rather than I’m caring and concerned and have important advice to offer in a troubling situation.

14. I once painted my room brown, but people didn’t think I was cool, instead making jokes about bodily functions.

15. I once rode on a motorcycle and didn’t crash and go into a coma…

16...so I have no excuse to explain away getting to second base with a Bruce Patman-type hunk I met the following week.

17. I have had a lot of boyfriends, and unfortunately they didn’t die after I broke up with their lying asses.

18. My boyfriends find it strange that when I’m with them I stand perfectly still, posing dramatically, as though I am on the cover of a SVH book.

19. I am strangely upset when my best friend doesn’t secretly undermine me, or when my boyfriend doesn’t cheat on me.

20. Sex Ed at school was a rude awakening as I thought I had learned all I needed to know from Sweet Valley High.

21. People don’t find it the least bit amusing/entertaining when I publish gossip about them in my high school newspaper column.

22. When I bat my eyes at guys, they don’t think I’m cute, but wonder if I have a neurological condition.

23. My attention seeking and manipulative tendencies led my parents to think, not that I was their cute little girl, but that I was a possible sociopath.

24. I may tell everyone I’m sixteen years old year after year, but I certainly don’t look it…

25. …even if I still act like it.

26. I have mild anxiety attacks because the people around me are not all wildly attractive.

27. When I talk in a husky voice people ask me if I have a cold.

28. When I came down with a life threatening disease I didn’t tell anyone about it, even my local GP. When I finally admitted the truth to my boyfriend and family, and finally visited the GP about my life threatening disease…

29. …I later found out it was mono.

30. When I dated a guy who met a gay guy and began questioning his sexuality, I realised I was like every other woman on this planet.

31. When I read SVH as a child I thought I was very adult. When I read SVH as an adult I realised how much of a child I was back then…

32. …and I still haven’t learned.

33. When I was 11, I though life would be perfect at 13...

34. …(sorry, that last one was meant for my Why The BSC Has Warped Me In Today’s World list)

35. When I went to France for the first time in high school, I had totally forgotten I had already been there in the sixth grade.

36. If I string the titles of all the Sweet Valley Books together, I can release a inspirational book called Life’s Little Instruction Book

37. Once when I guy I had a crush on rejected me, I falsely accused him of attacking me, instead of eating mass amounts of ice-cream and watching Steel Magnolias

38. Years ago I sold my entire Sweet Valley collection and have regretted it ever since…

39. …Ebay now makes a hefty profit out of my mistake.

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