Ever notice how the Sweet Valley character's woes could have been averted by using common sense? Sure, the book'd only be two chapters long, but I wouldn't be banging my head against a brick wall after reading it. Take Sarah in #21 Left Behind for instance--if only she'd spoken up, then I could have avoided reading the whole sorry book. So I decided to rewrite the book as though the characters had a lick of sense in their pretty little heads. Enjoy.

 

There's a new forum online called The Library:

http://z11.invisionfree.com/Library/index.php?act=idx

It's a place to talk about any and every book that ever existed. 

There are subforums for classics, non-fiction, adult, young adult, and children's books; and a Debate forum.

If you want to talk about sci-fi, romance, crime, action, literary, or pretty much any genre, just join and start a thread. 

There are also subforums for Sweet Valley, Harry Potter, The Baby-Sitter Club, and Lurlene McDaniels.

If you like an author or series of books none of your friends are into, come and talk about it at The Library. 

 

“I am sick of your foul language, your crude behaviour, and your sluttish manner.” --To Sir, With Love

Okay, this week I go where Sidney Poitier fears to tread. A bunch of class cutting, sanitary napkin burning, East End hoods have nothing on the sweet valley gang. In this book Jessica pretty much lays off Elizabeth, who puts her doormat in storage. I kind of miss Jessica screwing over Liz for whatever cardboard cutout hunk happens to mosey along at the time. When Jessica was dating Bruce you just knew she would have pulled a Karla and Paul Bernardo on her precious sister if he asked. Anything to please her man. (Oh, and poor Jeffy doesn’t realise it’s only a book or two until his execution date). But I digress.

Sweet Valley High #57 Teacher Crush; or To Sir, With Love

“I am sick of your foul language, your crude behaviour, and your sluttish manner.” --To Sir, With Love

Okay, this week I go where Sidney Poitier fears to tread. A bunch of class cutting, sanitary napkin burning, East End hoods have nothing on the sweet valley gang. I wrecked my read-the-SVH-books-in-order schedule cause I remember #57 as being so good. To start with: Olivia, hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahclunk...excuse me, I fell off my chair. I shouldn't be so mean. Probably every girl in the world has had an inappropriate teacher crush. I know I did (and thank god no one ever found out). It's just...what happened to Olivia, seriously? Remember the early books where she wasn't just defined as Liz's weirdo friend, where she rocked the bohemian look, where she had that boyfriend Roger and that was cool but being with a guy didn't consume her every waking moment. I mean, I gave Olivia so many points for mutually breaking up with Roger a few books back in such a non-Jessica style (no ill timed deaths) and in such a non-Elizabeth style (no multi-book drawn out inner monologues about 'should I be with TheTodd or should I be with Jeffy in the Road' Zzzzzzzz). Olivia and Roger just sat down, and in an adult manner realised this relationship wasn't working out. Cool. (By the way, where is Roger these days? Considering he's blocking Bruce’s way to the Patman fortune, I think he smartly got the hell out of dodge.) Now we have this girl who can't see the forest for the men in trees. Way to hack the arms and legs (and brain) off a pretty workable character, ghostwriter-of-the-week.

“I know what’s bothering you! You fancy him!” --To Sir, With Love

Before long Olivia’s scrawling Stuart Bachman’s name ten feet tall on walls and noting that his maturity’s taken her from crayons to perfume. Her dizzyheadedness over her teacher is enough to bring Caroline out of GossipGirl retirement, as she runs around telling half the country what a geek Olivia is. Thank god Caroline doesn't know Olivia's been driving past the teacher's apartment day and night, and has been calling him religiously just to hear his voice on the answering machine. "Was this what falling in love was supposed to feel like, Olivia wondered." No, this is what soon you'll be slapped with a restraining order feels like, Liv. Well, at least she isn’t writing bad 60s stylin’ pop songs for him. That would just get you sent to the funny farm…or maybe it would get you a Grammy, I don’t know.

“There are certain things a decent woman keeps private, and only a filthy slut would have done this and those who stood by and encouraged her are just as bad.” --To Sir, With Love

Olivia's so filled with the lust and thoughts of the sex and flustered about it all that she needs her mum to tell her how great she is (since no one else will). But I take points off for her mum's speech, because her mum had obviously been watching The Simpsons that day and had gotten her material from that episode--
Mr Burns: I specifically asked no geeks!
Milhouse: My mum thinks I'm cool.
But in that wonderful Sweet Valley way, all tensions are resolved when Olivia (almost) makes a fool of herself at Stuart’s art exhibition, has a cry, gets over it, goes home to a surprise birthday party, and is thrust into the arms of a random cardboard cut-out hottie, Rod, who we'll probably never see in the SV series again.

Yay! All is well with the world. I have the will to live again.

Points of interest:
*Amy is a God! in this book. She gives the verbal smackdown without missing a stride. When Lila suggests Jessica should head a course called 'boys and dating', Amy murmurs that it should be called 'advanced boys and dating.' Well, if the slut fits. Also, Jessica has trouble coming up for a project for her electronics class, and Amy suggests (while looking at Lila) that she should make a electronic device that attaches to clothes and beeps when someone tries to leave the store without paying. Snap! Someone's been eating her wheaties. Amy's dumb quotient is at an all time low.

* Liz is pissed. Enid's been giving out meaningful eye-contact behind her back. Check page 40/41 for the offending incident.

*Jess wants to quit her electronics course because her partner's shorter than her and wears a calculator in his back pocket. And he has the indecency not to check-out her rack. It’s almost enough to make her cry. Yep. Although, just like Jessica Rabbit, maybe Jess isn’t such a bad person, she’s just written that way. “Oh, blame not the bard…” This time I think I will.

*Olivia looks like Julianna Margulies on the cover of the book. Since the book was written in 1989, and ER didn't start until 1994, all I have to say is creeeeepy...

*Olivia mentions that Sweet Valley High reminds her off Noah's Ark. Hmm, two of everything, you say:
Perfect size six's: Jess and Liz
Bitches: Amy and Lila
Riches: Bruce and Lila
Nerds: Enid and Lois
In the closet duo: Tom McKay and Jeffrey
Inept parents: Ned and Alice
Overly attentive males: Mr Collins and Steven
Boob-grabbers: Bruce and (? help me out here)
Boobs: Jess’s leftie and Liz’s rightie
Psychotics who hide it under a pretty exterior: Suzanne and Margo
Cars: 1bruce1 and a lime green Triumph
...I could go on forever.

*At Stuart’s art exhibition, all his friends treat Olivia as though she is a cute, little pet:
“‘She’s adorable. Stuart was so sweet to invite her.’
She makes it sound as though I’m in kindergarten, Olivia fumed…”
I can sympathise. At any notable functions, the guests treat me the same way when they find out I still read SVH.

*And this weeks nomination for the Darwin Award: Lila for choosing to be in the clothing design course where she sewed the darts in backwards (or outside or upside down or something) on her dress and clean cut the hem off, when she could have just bought a million dresses on her daddy's credit card.

And (seriously, you guys) I really liked this book. It is one that had always stuck in my memory. I rate it up there with the first 30 SVH books. Although the Olivia plot was a little dull, I loved the descriptions of the two week courses and everybody else's plots. Plus, best shock ending ever: Liz puts on the lie detector and is asked how she feels about Todd coming back to town. I always wished they added in a bit about how Jeffy in the Road ran away and cried. Oh well.

In the next SVH book, Jess has a crush on the new student, Mike Hunt, and doesn’t understand why people giggle when she brings him up in conversation. “But I really like Mike Hunt,” she uttered, breaking down in tears to the laughter around her.

And now I must toddle off into the foggy London afternoon, humming “If you wanted the sky, I would write across the sky in letters, that would soar a thousand feet high, to Sir…”

I came across this website http://www.urbandictionary.com/ during my online wanderings and found a lot of the entries seems to correspond with the characters from SVH. Creepy, funny, whatever. Look up the character names and find out for yourself.

Jessica
“The act of sleeping with muliple amount of male species; can also mean saying "I love you" after two weeks of dating.”
And “see mindslut (also a professional relationship destroyer)”

Jessicaism
“Anything that Jessica says or does that cannot be explained reasonably.”

Liz
“The act of writing in much too wordy a fashion.”

Wakefield
“Wakefields assume everyone is amused by them and can't resist their charm…Usually found in places where alcohol and various amounts of illegal narcotics are consumed. Will generally be found using cheesy pick-up lines to pick up members of the opposite sex.”

Amy
“Dumb blonde who think she has many friends but really just imagines it since she’s so light headed.”
and “The act of intruding a conversation without invitation.”
and “Of exhibiting, or afflicted with insanity.”

Amyese
“A crummy comeback that makes no sense in any language.”

Sluttony
“The combination of sloth and gluttony.”

Alexandra
“Performs risky and unsafe acts whilst under the influence of alcohol.”

Enid
“A disaffected nerdy-but-stylin' girl with a slightly retro fashion-sense…Marcie from Peanuts and Velma from Scooby Doo can be considered precursors to the Enid archetype.”

Jeffy
“A lovable harmless goof, you can control, and who is at the mercy of your whims, who is available to you…emotionally and financially, at any moment of the day.”

Jeffy in the Road
“The guy, who has an outstanding relationship with a girl, who you must bump out of the way to get with her.”

Caroline
“To betray your friends.”

Jeffed
“A word to describe somebody who thinks they are cool but are not.”

Winston
“One who…proceeds to act drunk and/or stoned in order to get a couple laughs out of people.”

Todd
“Another way to describe a theoretical boner.”

Steve and the twins
“Male genetalia.”

Bruce Factor
“The reason a drunk person may decide to climb onto a parked car, fall off, knock himself unconcious and be taken to a local hospital by Ambulance. He will also have his shoes confiscated by the Police.”

Steveism
“To do something brilliant, rather by innate capability or by some stupid coincidence of luck.”

Tricia
“An unattractive brunette who only thinks they look good.”

Francine
“To be a Francine, one usually must make a dumb or glaringly obvious suggestion.”

This list was fuelled by part snark, part love of the BSC, and part caffeine.

1 For Kristy, the Look is never having to say you’re angry

2 Cladia kant spel, but shes relly, rely inteligant. Relly!

3 If you can fill out the top of a bikini nicely then you’ll never have any problems in life

4 If you don’t have at least two children then you are doing something wrong (have you been checked by a doctor? I hear the Pike’s have a good one, or the Brewers, try them.)

5 Casually throw the phrases ‘dibbly fresh’ and ’chilly’ into everyday conversation and the cool kids who smoke behind the bike sheds at lunch will think you’re cool. Or mental.

6 Casually throw the phrase ‘dibbly fresh’ and ’chilly’ into everyday conversation and the adults around you may seriously think you are brain damaged.

7 Don’t let Hodges Soileau paint your family portrait or you may end up looking like a man or a munchkin from the Wizard of Oz

8 ‘Hopefully’ is one of the most commonly misused words in the English language

9 A ghostwriter is worth a 1000 words, actually about 22,000 words

10 Jessi may--in fact--be black…maybe.

11 Three words: accessorize, accessorize, accessorize

12 Logan Bruno seems like Patrick Dempsey in ‘Can’t Buy Me Love’ when you are a ten year old. Logan Bruno seems like Patrick Bergin in ‘Sleeping With the Enemy’ when you are a thirty year old.

13 If you are a diabetic and even smell chocolate you will go into a diabetic coma and die

14 If you are asthmatic you will be Jewish and kooky

15 If have a big nose and obscenely weird hair you will be Mallory

16 If you are racist Jessi will be right by your side to tell you that you are. If someone else is racist Jessi will be right by the phone to call you to tell you that they are

17 There are so many children in Stoneybrook it is a veritable children of the corn situation…

18 …despite that, BSC book #132 ‘Kristy and the Children of the Corn’ will never be released for public consumption

19 If there really was an old woman who lived in a shoe the BSC would fix all her and her children’s problems in the span of one book, maybe two. Just don’t get Claudia to write down directions to the place or it’ll read: Thair was an old womann who lived in a shue

20 The BSC will do it anywhere, anytime, for only three dollars an hour…

21 …get your mind out of the gutter, I meant baby-sitting

22 If the BSC (always to the rescue) had been in Australia a dingo would have never taken that baby…

23 …same goes for the baby in Trainspotting

24 Like the eighth grade, 80s fashions never ended (witness today’s revival)

25 Abby who?

26 Kristy + Bart = beard

27 I have to stop calling KL 5-3231 when I need a baby-sitter. Claudia does not really live there.

28 The phantom phone calls mostly come at night…mostly.

29 Saying you are sophisticated in your mind does not make you sophisticated in the real world…

30…neither do the multi-coloured leggings or over-sized shirts…

31…ditto the dangly animal themed earrings.

32 No real life holiday will ever live up to the BSC super special holiday .

33 No boyfriend made during the super special will live beyond that super special…

34…barring Quint because he’s just cool.

35 Contractions are your friend (I'm looking at you, Karen)

36 In critiquing this list no person will fail to say ‘That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever read and I’ve read the whole Sweet Valley high series.’ (I’ve gotta give a shout out to Moe Syzlak. I love him, him and his pants that are held up by rope).



I’ll raise a pizza toast to the person who can spot the ‘Aliens’ reference I slipped in there.

In this post i'm writing about the Christopher Pike books Witch, Season of Passage, Monster, The Listeners, Scavenger Hunt, and The Last Vampire series.

Pike appears to have at least 2 general types of supernatural themes: 1, the alien based parasite that can only live through a host's body, and over time the parasite in effect transforms the human host into a powerful alien/reptile/vampire/monster, and attempts infect the entire world with the parasitic race; and 2, spiritual beings who have no physical form, and hitch a ride on souls dying or souls being reborn into a physical plain--these spirits, when reborn, exhibit no emotions, immense strength, the ability to transform humans into what they are, and have powerful eyes that can mesmerise others.

Right now these two categories are simplified, but I have an idea that most Pike novels could fit into either category well enough. It's late at night, so I'm too lazy to do this in full, but I'll try a few novels. ‘Witch’ supernatural elements: bloodlines carry the witch’s power, female relatives exhibit this power; most witches have the ability to control others and read other's minds by dominating another's will with their eyes/mind; some witches can heal, with touch; moonlight, sun, and the light from Mars can enhance a witch’s power when she is around water.

So the supernatural elements in ‘Witch’ coincide with the parasite category I've described above. 1, bloodlines carry the witch power, which is similar to The Last Vampire series where, although most of the vampirism was from blood-transfusion, some supernatural elements were given through birth--Seymour was born with ‘seeing’ powers, and Kalika was born from a human but possessed powers. 2, Julia and her Aunt could control people's wills and read other's minds by using the force of their eyes--this seemed a watered-down version of Lauren's power in Season of Passage, the vampire's powers in The Last Vampire series, the sibling’s power in Scavenger Hunt, and the reptile's powers in The Listeners. 3, some witches can heal with their touch--in Monster, Season of Passage, and The Last Vampire series, blood was a wonderful healer for parasites, and there was touching involved as one vampire/monster usually had to hold and feed the hurt vampire/monster the blood in order too heal it. 4, moonlight, sun, and the light from Mars enhanced power when a witch was around water--in Monster, Season of Passage, and The Last Vampire, sunlight was a deterrent, moonlight seemed to represent transcendence, and the light from Mars was over-powering, while pools of water and blood either 'washed' you in innocence or terror, especially in The Last Vampire 5, the Suzama scripture mentioned the child and mother fleeing 'to the mirror in the sky', and in The Last Vampire 1 and 2 Yaksha felt calm when near water.

It could be possible, if you want to read this much into Pike's mythology (and I do), that the Florence family somewhere along the line contracted some of the parasite/vampire-type blood into their gene-pool. The Florence family didn't become fully fledged monsters, but they have a little monster in them. What I found really interesting about the novel Witch, is the family's powers weren't innately 'good'--the powers could be used cruelly, such as Julia mentally hurting the overweight villain in the first convenience store shoot-out. Later she remarks to Jim when at the motel, she feels such 'hatred' and wants to act on it. If the family powers came from the parasite/vampire bloodline, then it's possible the powers could allow the user to be cruel or kind. Anyway, I'm just beginning with this idea. I figure I can tie more novels into it.
___________________________

Now, to lighten the mood, here's a little something for shits & giggles:

One thing that hit me about the novel The Last Vampire was the structure of the novel had a whole noir crime feel. I mean, the high school part lasted what, two chapters? Then there was the mystery/intrigue, the expansive, rich settings intersecting cheap offices with questionable morals and bad lighting. The character triad was very noir, too. Sita, the dark hero, was loved from afar by the geeky Seymour, and fell for the handsome stranger (Ray) when she knows she shouldn't, all while trying to evade past romantic tangles (Yaksha). It reminded me of old Humphrey Bogart movies, like the Maltese Falcon: Bogart is the dark detective, loved from afar by his bookish secretary or his partner's wife, but quickly falling for a mysterious woman too closely related to the villain he is tracking. Patricia Cornwall books are like that: Scarpetta, the hero forging ahead with always two men following, the overweight, downtrodden police detective and the powerful FBI agent. In The Last Vampire, it was odd, but somehow the mythical flashbacks mixed well with the noir.

Funny as hell: there was Sita, in a constant repitition of her 'brilliant' powers, in a scene where her hands and ankles are handcuffed and she's trapped in the limo, considering what she'll do if she can't break the cuffs. "The metal is incredibly hard. I will not be able to break it. But that doesn't mean I can't get around. I can hop, even bound, far more quickly than any mortal can run." Although, she may be able to escape the vehicle and hop away, being the victor of the scene, I couldn't help laughing while imagining someone speedily moving through a field like an Energiser Bunny. I suppose being a victor means nothing if you can't do it without grace.

“You are entering the realm which is unusual.” --Futurama

Okay, by book #2 we all know a little about the co-dependent twins and their unhealthy, unhealthy relationship. My old psychology class would have had a field day with them. Actually, they probably would have laughed and laughed at me for bringing up SVH, but I digress. Also, I just noticed there’s no twinsperfectsizesixmatchingblondhairandblueeyes intro. Has the world stopped spinning? Is the sky still blue outside? Did this book come from a Farnsworth Parabox where the twins have mousy brown hair and weigh 400 pounds each? I don’t know. And I was going to do this wonderful babelfish translation of the intro. Maybe next time. I miss the description of the twin’s perfectly slim bodies and how they achieved their thinness through internal parasites.

“There are guys in the background of Mary Worth comics who are more important than me.”

This one focuses on Enid. She has caught flack on other forums and blogs for being a bore and having bad hair. I felt a little sorry for her...until I read this book. Enid starts off crying because she just realised she’s going to be stuck being besties with Liz for the next ten or so years that Junior year of SVH proves to be. I can just imagine her at home in her room at night: ‘Dear Diary, it’s only book #2, I’m fucked.’ Alex and freshman year can’t come fast enough. At the moment, she is following Liz's example and is a Doormat-in-training. Her whole sense of self worth revolves around being Ronnie's girlfriend. Because in FrancineLand you don’t exist if you don’t have a boyfriend. All I can think is, Francine, you’re making Germaine Greer cry. And Ronnie ain't much of a catch; he's jealous, possessive, and he gets a bit date-rapey when he and Enid drive out to Miller's Point. What is it with SVH boys (Ronnie, Bruce, Suzanne's boyfriend towards Jess in New York) and violently pushing a girl to go to far, yet no one ever thinks badly about them? Gah. I have a feeling that one of them will grow up to be Patrick Bateman (Jess would soooo go out with him). To be fair, there is only one of two ways for a guy to express his love in SV: violently force yourself onto a girl; or talk in a husky voice to her. I guess it beats all that chin tipping going on in the BSC books.

The only interesting aspect of Enid's personality is she used to be wild and quite the druggie...yet she wants no one to know about this. She has no clue. It certainly isn’t her hair that’s keeping all her friends interested. Then in swoops Jess, who is in running with Enid (with a lot of other no-names the ghostwriter doesn’t even bother to mention) for Promiscuity Queen--sorry, Prom Queen. Being that Jess is a myspace attention seeker, she has to win. And so she sneakily tells everyone Enid's secret, which is funny, as no one really cares except for Liz and Ronnie. Still, before you know it, Enid’s looking for the nearest suicide booth to drop a quarter into.

“You have to give guys a chance. Sometimes you meet a guy and think he's a pig, but then later on you realize he actually has a really good body.” --Futurama

Onto Jess, or as I now call her Jessociopath. She keeps the plot rolling by manipulating everyone in her path. The plot is pretty slim pickings except for her actions. At 118 pages, if you removed Jess from the picture, this would have been a 20 page SVH chapbook. How do I compare thee to a sociopath? Let me count the ways…1 She keeps Winston on a string, even though she doesn't like him, because he "might come in handy one of these days." 2 She reads Enid's private mail, then passes it around for others to read also. 3 She lets Liz take the flack for Enid's secret being leaked, and even lies to Liz's face about who did it. Sweet Zombie Jesus! Oh Jess, I love to hate her, and hate that I love her. Yet somehow, all this manipulation goes pear-shaped. Although, since she spends all her time musing on how she looks like Bo Derek, it’s no wonder her harebrained schemes implode like the gravitational collapse of a star. They seemed to be composed entirely of:
Phase 1: Plot to intentionally screw up someone’s life
Phase 2: …
Phase 3: Profit
But then, Jess’s morals are a black hole entirely of themselves. The fact that black holes pull in matter from their environment, well, we have Liz for proof of that: it wouldn’t be Sweet Valley if Jess didn’t drag Liz into one of her monumental pissweak fiascos each book.

Later Liz gets back at Jess. Which is one of the most memorable things about these earlier SVH books when you’re on a nostalgia kick. Liz somehow always turns the tables on Jess by the end of the book and you feel all's right with the world again. Still, Liz's revenge was a little cruel concerning Winston. She's basically using Winston to embarrass Jess. And as much as I like Jess humiliated, I don't think you should use people unwittingly to do it. Winston is like the coolest guy at SVH, leave him alone.

“That young man fills me with hope. Plus some other emotions which are weird and deeply confusing.” --Zap Brannigan

Okay, guys. I, at least, had the good sense not to like Ronnie when I first read this book at age ten. Although, I do admit Bruce intimidated me a bit when I was younger. Now he comes off as Zap Brannigan lovin’, William Shatner singin’ overkill. Todd is blah, but then he's always blah. George is a god. Or maybe he just comes off as that when he’s standing next to drab Eeny. Ken may quite well be mistaken for a mannequin, factoring in how much he appears in this book, yet has little to no dialogue. But Winston is still my favourite. Only someone like Winston could save the day when Liz and Mr Collins were all flummoxed about how to prove Suzanne was satan incarnate. While I’m missing Amy’s boy-crazed batshit insanity, at least I have Bruce to laugh at. Him and has natty little porsche.

Points of interest:

*Funniest moment: On page 2, Jess is dressing for a date with Tom McKay. Oh Jess, you have no idea…

*B-plot of the week: Ms Dalton is youngish and not a total fug, so naturally, she must be having an affair with a student. Gotta love those SVH morals. If you wear your hair loose and flowing down your back, god help you, you are a raging whore. And if you dare to date more than one boy a week like Annie, you may as well be down in Tijuana doing live donkey acts.Where’s Jeri Blank when I need her?

* Liz getting the smackdown from Enid. Love it. Proves Liz's complete doormattishness if she'll let Enid kick her around.

* Alice’s blasé cut-and-paste attitude towards Jess’s little hissy in the kitchen. Either the ghostwriter’s phoning it in or Alice just doesn’t care anymore. After raising Jess for sixteen years, I suspect the latter. Considering she’s facing ten more years of Jess at sixteen, maybe Alice is another candidate for the suicide booth.

*The magical appearance of siblings for both Todd and Enid. Boy, the SV parents like popping them out, then pushing them back in again. Oh, well, they’ll disappear in a few books time. Best not to think about it too carefully, might induce brain failure.

* Liz buts on the bitch hat, when thinking about Jess’s offer to talk to an upset Enid: “‘Well, I suppose it couldn't hurt. Everything is so screwed up now, nothing and no one could possibly make it worse.’ Not even you, she added silently.” Burn!

*best outfit: "Tonight [Dana] was decked out in tight black velvet jeans, a pair of sparkly pink leg warmers, and a purple satin blouse." An outfit after my own fourth grade heart.

*Why is Caroline Pearce in Pi Beta Alpha if no one likes her?

*The dated 'feminist' rhetoric is very amusing, though I'm a little worried it may have warped me growing up. The talk of “A woman doesn’t reach her peak until she’s in her thirties” is positively scandalous compared to Jess’s breast peeking out in book #3. And it’s the most intelligent thing Francine has ever written about women

*This book had great nostalgic value. The pink and yellow cover (with Liz who looks like she's about to eat a Malteser, or maybe she's reacting to Jess's new job as a phone sex operator) is burned into my brain.

“‘The end.’ There. Now they’re trapped in a book I wrote. A crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.” --Futurama


Minor footnote, I did find a passage to babelfish my heart out in:
Trim, tanned Alice Wakefield could easily have been mistaken for the twins’ older sister. They shared the same beautiful all American looks, down to the honey coloured hair…

Japanese translation
Perhaps the trim, Alice Wakefield whom it is sunburned by mistake it was for the sisters where the twins are older easily. They the same it shares in the hair of color of the honey are beautiful all America at first glance,…

Greek translation
The blackened Alice Wakefield could easily have perplexed itself with the older brother of twins. They were shared same the beautiful all American they look at, under in the honey - colored hair…

“You, my friend, are a victim of disorganized thinking. You are under the unfortunate impression that just because you read this book you have no brain; you're confusing brains with YA lit.” --to paraphrase the Wizard of Oz

Okay, in this super edition the twins go to stay at their aunt Em and uncle Henry’s in Kansas for spring break. Cue ‘Somewhere over the Rainbow.’ Considering the twins so rarely leave the confines of Sweet Valley, travelling out of state is akin to going to the merry old land of Oz. There's none of the SVH regulars except for the twins. It’s interesting to see them outside of Sweet Valley. Maybe, without all the bad influences Jess may find a heart. Away from all those SV responsibilities and meaningful glances, will Liz discover she has a spine? And without Jess around, will Amy grow a brain?

Concerning Jess, as it’s like a litmus test of how 'bad' a person she really is without Lila & Co. to influence her. Nature vs. nurture, I imagine. Is Jessica inherently bad (like a bad seed)? Or is she only bad because of who she hangs around, and because her family lets her get away with anything? Cause, as far as I see it, she’s headed straight to jail, or into politics. Although Jess hardly makes it three feet into town before she runs into the Wicked bitch of the West, Annie Sue. Annie Sue is Lila's Mean girls stand-in...imagine if Lila made it with Cletus the slack jawed yokel, and Annie Sue was their love child. All her friends are the little flying monkeys, and naturally, as ciphers none of them receive a single line of dialogue in the book.

“Where do you want to be oiled first?”

Now for romance. Not so much lions and tigers and bears, as yokels, and carnies, and fake twins, oh my. Lets do Jess first. Most racy moments between Jessica and Alex :

'It was such a funny feeling sliding down off the stallion.'
and: '"Come on, Midnight," Jessica whispered to him, pressing his sides gently with her knees. All it took was the slightest pressure, and he doubled his speed.'

Granted, above is only what she got up to with the horse, so you can imagine what happened with Alex. Reading those passages above as a kid, they barely made an impression. Reading them as an adult, I realised I took 'Sweet Valley' to a place it shouldn't go.

Your turn Liz. Alex decides the twins are a two for the price of one type deal. He pretends to be Brad. Hi-jinks ensue until Liz bores me to sleep with her will-I-or-won’t-I cheat on Jeffrey spiel. Maybe she’s practicing for her will-I-or-won’t-I lose my virginity thing in SVU. I don’t know. But her chastity belt’s safely locked on in this book so I suppose she needed something else to worry about. Liz, you’re done. Points for Aunt Shirley, who is helpful with the chastity belt issue. There is the ever present prejudice towards those who aren't as perfect as the twins and their bloodline. A carnival comes into town, which the aunt and uncle plan to attend with the twins. Aunt Shirley is all in a tizzy about the precious Wakefield lineage--"The boys who work at the carnival are known as 'carnies' in local slang...They're not necessarily rough or anything, but they're certainly not the kind of boys either of you two would be interested in. I'm sure you know what I mean." Classy. Still I liked the one-shot romances the twins had, which never dragged on like Liz and Todd's epic love. Zzzzzz.

The Walkers may have been jittery where teenage girls were concerned, but they had a firm hand with what was acceptable and what wasn’t. I can’t help but wonder how the Wakefield twins may have turned out if the Walker’s had raised them. Jessica might even have a soul. The boyfriend death rate would surely be down, which is a plus considering America’s death statistics today. And Jess could have trained Annie Sue to be the perfect Lila clone; in SVH rich girls are interchangeable. And any random tumbleweed could have stood in for Amy (and would have had more brains rattling about, too). But then there’s the whole ‘no carnies for you’ rule which has got to be a kicker. Don’t we all need a healthy dose of carny lovin’ every once in a while. And poor Jessy’s bikini top would never have been undone by Bruce, resulting in less *scandalmeantionofherbreastscandal* so…

“A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.”
--Wizard of Oz (fits Jess to a T)

And surprisingly Jess wasn’t much of a witch (with a b) in this book. Good for her, as I get the feeling if someone ran up and threw a bucket of water at Jess, she’d mostly likely fall to the ground screaming “I’m melting, I’m melting.” And sadly, these are the things I ponder at 3am in the morning.

We have another case of the Amazing Disappearing Sibling (think Todd's is it a brother, is it a sister, is the younger sibling even there anymore after book 20 type thing). Annie Sue has a sister who appears for a whole chapter. After that maybe the sister crawled back into her mother's womb because Annie Sue notes near the end that she was being so mean to the twins because "I guess I've grown up kind of spoiled. I'm an only child..." Then three pages later the sister reappears. Magic.

“Pay no attention to that ghostwriter behind the curtain.”

On a random note, don’t you think Francine Pascal would make the perfect Wizard of Oz? Her name on the cover of all the SV books, just as the wizards face is on the city of Oz, yet behind the curtain toils the little ghostwriter, putting his words into in the Wizard’s/Francine’s mouth for all to hear, ignoring us readers while we all shout, “What about the heart you promised Jessica? What about the brain you promised Amy? What about the spine you promised Elizabeth?”

I can just imagine Amy at the end of #75 Amy’s True Love after her visit with the Wizard/Francine, toddling off and noting “The sum of the square root of any two guys questioning their sexuality is equal to me remaining on the sideline. Oh joy! Rapture! I got a brain!”

And now I wander off into the early morning muttering ‘I do believe in a perfect size six, I do believe in a perfect size six, I do, I do, I do.’

(and you win a kiss from Jess if you can guess how many Wizard of Oz quotes I slipped into this article)

Why SVH Has Warped Me In Today’s World

1. I, in fact, was eating a chocolate bar when reading the scene where Robin is nervous and thus eats a chocolate bar. I was eating some cake when reading the scene where Robin is excited and thus eats and entire cake (my cake was a slice of birthday cake, but still). After that I saw the light, and began to jog laps on the local high school track. Three days later, I was still pretty much the same weight and no one wanted to crown me queen of a beauty pageant. This whole experiment ended with me eating several Big Macs while reading the scene where Robin is eating a salad.

2. Unfortunately, my annoying little brother hasn’t disappeared (fingers crossed).

3. I took off my glasses, took down my hair, and got rid of my baggy clothes…but I was still pretty fugly.

4. I kissed a different boy every week, but the only thing I have to show for it is topical cream I have to apply three times a day.

5. So instead I tried being monogamous with a boy for several years while refusing to put out, but all I have to show for it is whispers behind my back that I’m his ‘beard’.

6. I was once kidnapped once for several days, and was not once offered pancakes!

7. I will never again be fooled into going somewhere with someone who promises they only want to sniff my hair.

8. I’m the perfect size 12.

9. Life is much easier when you have a twin to blame all your bad deeds on…better yet, an evil twin.

10. I once drank a glass of wine and was surprised to find the next morning that I hadn’t killed anyone or had become an alcoholic.

11. I once agonised over whether to lose my virginity for several months in freshman year and was surprised to find no one cared.

12. I once admitted to not liking the Wakefield twins and was not immediately struck dead on the spot.

13. Making meaningful eye contact with someone leads them to think I am a stalker, rather than I’m caring and concerned and have important advice to offer in a troubling situation.

14. I once painted my room brown, but people didn’t think I was cool, instead making jokes about bodily functions.

15. I once rode on a motorcycle and didn’t crash and go into a coma…

16...so I have no excuse to explain away getting to second base with a Bruce Patman-type hunk I met the following week.

17. I have had a lot of boyfriends, and unfortunately they didn’t die after I broke up with their lying asses.

18. My boyfriends find it strange that when I’m with them I stand perfectly still, posing dramatically, as though I am on the cover of a SVH book.

19. I am strangely upset when my best friend doesn’t secretly undermine me, or when my boyfriend doesn’t cheat on me.

20. Sex Ed at school was a rude awakening as I thought I had learned all I needed to know from Sweet Valley High.

21. People don’t find it the least bit amusing/entertaining when I publish gossip about them in my high school newspaper column.

22. When I bat my eyes at guys, they don’t think I’m cute, but wonder if I have a neurological condition.

23. My attention seeking and manipulative tendencies led my parents to think, not that I was their cute little girl, but that I was a possible sociopath.

24. I may tell everyone I’m sixteen years old year after year, but I certainly don’t look it…

25. …even if I still act like it.

26. I have mild anxiety attacks because the people around me are not all wildly attractive.

27. When I talk in a husky voice people ask me if I have a cold.

28. When I came down with a life threatening disease I didn’t tell anyone about it, even my local GP. When I finally admitted the truth to my boyfriend and family, and finally visited the GP about my life threatening disease…

29. …I later found out it was mono.

30. When I dated a guy who met a gay guy and began questioning his sexuality, I realised I was like every other woman on this planet.

31. When I read SVH as a child I thought I was very adult. When I read SVH as an adult I realised how much of a child I was back then…

32. …and I still haven’t learned.

33. When I was 11, I though life would be perfect at 13...

34. …(sorry, that last one was meant for my Why The BSC Has Warped Me In Today’s World list)

35. When I went to France for the first time in high school, I had totally forgotten I had already been there in the sixth grade.

36. If I string the titles of all the Sweet Valley Books together, I can release a inspirational book called Life’s Little Instruction Book

37. Once when I guy I had a crush on rejected me, I falsely accused him of attacking me, instead of eating mass amounts of ice-cream and watching Steel Magnolias

38. Years ago I sold my entire Sweet Valley collection and have regretted it ever since…

39. …Ebay now makes a hefty profit out of my mistake.

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